Mho Fho Interviews the Bludman, Mr. Criminy Stain

KB: Have you heard of the Bludman, Criminy Stain? He comes from the imagination of Delilah S. Dawson and the hero of her debut novel, Wicked as They Come. Criminy made such an impression me (click here to read my review) that I had to interview him. Since the land of the Sang where Criminy lives is filled with danger, I sent Mho Fho in my stead. He should fit in pretty well as he navigates through this alternate Victorian Steampunk universe since he wears a cravat and will have Criminy as his guide. But then again, Criminy may end up sucking him dry for his tasty demon sheep blood.

As for the ravenous bludbunnies there, Mho's in for a big surprise!

Mho: *looks around the strange woods* The next interview I do is going to be on some Caribbean island surrounded by beautiful women feeding me fruit and not in the middle of nowhere! *bludbunny tries to nibble on Mho’s tail. Ack! A cute looking blood sucking fuzzball is attacking me! Help!

Criminy appears: An appetizer eating a main course? We can’t have that, now. *picks up the bludbunny, twists his fuzzy little head, and holds out the limp body* Hungry?

Mho: I had lunch back on my own home turf before I was whisked away. Thanks dude! I was afraid that killer bunny was going to eat my precious mabob!

Criminy: Unless a mabob is something attached to you and filled with blood, you’re probably safe. Although a bludbadger once destroyed one of my favorite waistcoats.

Mho: Erm… perhaps it’s best if I talk about my mabob later when I have a few drinks in me. It’s great to meet you! I’ve been assigned to interview you and find out all your secrets.

Criminy: All my secrets? We’re going to need a lot of time. And possibly a volunteer fire department.

Mho: Fire? I’m afraid to ask. Man, I need a drink. Is there a bar we can go to and hang out at while I ask you questions that I hope will embarrass you?

Criminy: Please join me at the caravan. The dining car is well-stocked with wine and… whatever a… you… might need.

Mho: Lead the way, my good man! *follows Criminy out of woods*

Criminy: Here we are: Criminy’s Clockwork Caravan. Watch the steps into the dining car. It’s a bit quiet, as most of the carnivalleros are out practicing their acts—or else. It pays to be the ringmaster, eh? *disappears, reappears with a bowl of Scotch for Mho and a teacup filled with blood* *sips* *grins with red-painted teeth*

Mho: *drops into chair and slurps Scotch. Tries not to freak out about Stain’s red-painted pointed teeth*. Ah that’s better. So Master of the Mysterious, Criminy Stain, why don’t you tell me about yourself?

Criminy: Master of the Mysterious? Oh, I like that. Well, I’m a Bludman, of course—born that way. Son of a tailor who ran away with the circus to keep from having to sew uppity city dames into dresses. I’m much better at getting them out of the dresses, you see. I’ve a bit of magic about me and fancy myself a gypsy. And I could suck you dry of blood in two shakes of your torn off tail, so get your elbows off the table, if you please.

Mho:  *pulls in elbows* You're a big flirt, do you know that? And what’s with the gloves? Do you wear them all the time? What do you do when you have to shave or use the toilet?

Criminy: Ah, gloves. Part of the uniform. I can’t stand the damned things, to be quite honest. A Bludman doesn’t like to hide. But seeing my claws can make humans and fuzzy animals a bit nervy, so I try to accommodate. Can’t quite keep the cravat tied, either. I don’t have to shave very often, thank heavens. And I’ll toss you in the privy if you ask me about it again, lad.

Mho: Privy? You gents make the toilet sound all proper like. I’ve heard you’ve had quite the adventure lately. Also there’s a new woman, a fortune teller who’s a latest addition to your freaky, magical caravan. Who’s the new fortune teller and is she just a friend or your very special friend? *waggles bushy sheep eyebrows*

Criminy: Ah, yes. My lovely Letitia. Strictly off the record, I’ve been waiting decades for that spell to draw her to me, but she’s a slippery thing. She can see the future, but she refuses to tell me what it holds. It stings, a human having such power over me. But I find myself forgiving her every night, once she’s out of the corset.

Mho: *mutters, I bet she likes when you take of her corset* Letitia? What type of name is that? Also, I was told you have a special nickname and sometimes go by “Extra-Naughty Mr. Darcy”. Any truth to that?

Criminy: Letitia is a family name, I’ve been told. She asked me to call her Tish once, and I refused. She’s too beautiful for a name that sounds like scoffing. She does call me Mr. Darcy on occasion, but that’s in the privacy of my wagon. As for the extra naughty… I’ll cede you that point. My sharp teeth are far better than his sharp words, though. And my Pemberly is a clockwork monkey.

Mho: You call your monkey Pemberly? How…droll. So your Letitia was the one to give you that nickname. Care to tell me how naughty you can be?

Criminy: Have you ever rogered a lass in an all-velvet room with a mirrored ceiling on another man’s submarine? Because I have.

Mho: Wow, TMI Criminy dude! That’s pretty hot with the rogering and all. So any deets on Delilah Dawson? I heard she has an awesome imagination and is a great writer.

Criminy: She’s a saucy one, that’s for sure. I offered her a place in the caravan, and she said she’d consider it. She offered to shoot an apple off my head with her bow, but I was going to urge her into writing playbills and painting murals on the wagons instead.

Mho: Can you tell me any dirt on Delilah, like if she’s into cute and adorable demon sheep who wears a snazzy red cravat? *fixes cravat*. In my world, all the ladies swoon over me because of my neckwear. What’s your favorite cravat color?

Criminy: Delilah’s been married for almost ten years, but I hear she loves a good chunk of lamb, as well as rakish neckwear. As for cravats, I like indigo or scarlet. Midnight or vermillion. Cocquelicot or mazarine. They bring out my eyes, you see.

Mho: And what sexy eyes you have. I’d be all over you if I wasn't a dude. Have you ever used a cravat to tie up one of those deranged bunnies? What’s the deal with them and why does everyone drink blood? Can you tell me more about the general population?

Criminy: If by “bunnies”, you mean “willing women”, then without a doubt I have tied them up with cravats aplenty. I wouldn’t waste my time with the bludbunnies, though—just pop, twist, and toss to the cook.

Our world, Sang, used to be more like your Earth, from what I hear. But something went wrong. There were too many blud creatures, and they turned all the other blud creatures, and now the wild animals all hunger for the red stuff. In Sangland, the population is almost evenly split these days between Pinky and Bludman. In other parts of the world, the Bludmen rule, but here, my people are all but slaves to the Pinkies, unfortunately. Hence the part where I don’t much go into the cities.

Mho: What does the future hold for you and Tish? If you ever have the chance, would you visit Tish in her world? What would be the first thing you do there if you did visit?

Criminy: Letitia is the one who can see the future—not me. And she won’t tell me, and she gets this little furrow between her brows when I bring it up. I suspect our adventures are far from over. As for her world—no magic, and no access to blood? Perish the thought. I’m up for any sort of hijinks, but it sounds a little dull on the other side of that locket. The first thing I would do there would involve Letitia and this fantastic sort of thing she calls a “hot tub”. It sounds scrumptious.

Mho: Hot tub! Nice! This place sounds pretty dangerous with all the blud added animals and people like yourself with claws and sharp teeth. What advice would you give some poor innocent soul who found themselves stranded in Sang? What three things would they need to survive?

Criminy: My advice would be to run from anything cute and fuzzy, like yourself, as looks can be deceiving. I’m assuming you’re thinking about a stranded human, and so the things they would need most would be tightly fitted clothes, a weapon, and tenacity. People from your world mostly show up naked here, which is one reason they don’t often fare well.

Mho: Good thing my wool protects my manly bits from ravenous blud creatures like yourself. Hey, I just thought of a part time job you could have when you’re not busy saving Tish from bludbunnies or having sexy downtimes with her in your caravan! You could give walking tours around the woods and fight off rabid animals. How does that sound?

Criminy: I’m a bit of an indolent bugger, and that sounds like a lot of work. People visit my caravan for magic, danger, and a quick glimpse into wildness and freedom. And I wave my arms around, draw the eye, and generally make everything glittery, all while casually strolling around my domain. I prefer my prey to come to me willingly. 

Mho: I tend to either make people speechless or frustrated when I interview them. You should be honored.

Criminy: As I’m neither speechless nor frustrated, I will consider this interview a success. You’re welcome back any time, although it will cost you either a copper or a vial of blood to see the show. And I might end up juggling you and stealing your cravat. But I probably won’t drain you—you’re far too interesting a fellow for that sort of thing. Say, a talking demonic sheep might be just the thing to draw a crowd. Want a job?

Mho: *winks* Tell me more Mr. Bludman.

 Available Now from Pocket Books

Synopsis: Have you ever heard of a Bludman? They’re rather like you and me—only more fabulous, immortal, and mostly indestructible. (They’re also very good kissers.)

Delilah S. Dawson’s darkly tempting debut drops her unsuspecting heroine into a strange faraway land for a romantic adventure that’s part paranormal, part steampunk . . . and completely irresistible.

When Tish Everett forces open the ruby locket she finds at an estate sale, she has no idea that a deliciously rakish Bludman has cast a spell just for her. She wakes up in a surreal world, where Criminy Stain, the dashing proprietor of a magical traveling circus, curiously awaits. At Criminy’s electric touch, Tish glimpses a tantalizing future, but she also foresees her ultimate doom. Before she can decide whether to risk her fate with the charming daredevil, the locket disappears, and with it, her only chance to return home. Tish and Criminy battle roaring sea monsters and thundering bludmares, vengeful ghosts and crooked Coppers in a treacherous race to recover the necklace from the evil Blud-hating Magistrate. But if they succeed, will Tish forsake her fanged suitor and return to her normal life, or will she take a chance on an unpredictable but dangerous destiny with the Bludman she’s coming to love.

You can find Delilah at her website and on twitter: @delilahdawson.