The Green Lantern Movie Review

The one movie I’ve been anxious to see this year finally came out. I actually plopped down almost $20 to see it in 3-D. The last time I went to see a movie in an actual theater was Toy Story 3, a year ago.

The movie I saw this past weekend was The Green Lantern. And you want to know why I saw it?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise seeing as I’m head over heels in deep lust for Ryan Reynolds.

This is the most I ever paid for a movie. And going in I knew The Green Lantern would be a total popcorn movie experience. We’re not talking about Oscar winning material here. And even if it’s the worst movie of the year, I still planned on going because of Ryan Reynolds. Hello, tight green spandex superhero outfit showing Ryan’s awesomely tight and fit body? That sold me.

Unfortunately, The Green Lantern was unbelievably bad. Lame is a better choice of a word. I’ve seen many comic book heroes come to life on the big screen and the majority of those movies I’ve enjoyed. The Green Lantern was a big old dud. I don’t even think twelve year old boys would enjoy this one. The Green Lantern’s biggest problem is very weak writing. There’s no real substance to any of the characters or the plot.

But I will say, for what Ryan Reynolds had to work with, he really lights up the screen, and I don’t necessarily mean his adorable boyish smile and hunky looks. Ryan has really grown as an actor and takes over any scene he’s in. A perfect example of this was his very short screen time in Wolverine. He put Hugh Jackman to shame in that one.

Take that Hugh!

Ryan plays Hal, a laid back ladies’ man who's irresponsible and enjoys being a daredevil  test pilot. Hal is a very cliché character. Here’s why:

1. The first scene we see of Hal is waking up in bed with some anonymous girl.
2. He dries a fast, vintage looking car.
3. He's at odds with his boss and the woman he possibly loves, but turns away from, because he can’t have any emotional ties to her because he’s damaged inside.
4. He lost someone very special to him as a child and because of that he lives in fear of succeeding.
5. His siblings think he’s a joke.
6. He has no real friends except a geek tech guru. Tech guru dude actually says the funniest line in the movie. Score for tech guru.

Hal is coasting through life with no expectations, that is until a green orb pulls him into the sky and brings him to a dying alien called Abin Sur. Abin Sur is a Green Lantern, a member of "an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace within the universe". Abin is the color of raspberry sorbet; or rather I should say a tulip because his body armor is green like a stem. Abin was hurt in battle by Parallax, who I kept wanting to call Ajax, like the cleaner. Parallax feeds on fear and kills life forms by sucking out their essence.

Parallax looks like this:

 Marjory, The Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock

Hal has been chosen by the Lantern ring that looks very much like those plastic rings you can buy for a quarter. Hal doesn’t want this job, but he has no choice because the ring has chosen him. Around this time his childhood friend, Carol, played by Blake Lively of Gossip Girl and The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants fame, wants Hal to grow up. Hal just gives her sexy pouts as a response. If I was Carol I’d jump Hal the entire movie and go at it with him like a dog in heat. Then there’s Hector, played by a very underused and laughable Peter Sarsgaard. Hector has daddy issues. His daddy played by Tim Robbins thinks he’s sad, pathetic and the total opposite of Hal in every conceivable way. The way Peter plays Hector is very underwhelming. He becomes the villain because of Angela Bassett for reasons explained in the film. Angela is a scientist who walks in the highest and thinnest heels I've ever seen. I’m surprised she didn’t break her legs walking in those stilts. Hector wants Carol. Carol wants Hal, and Hal just wants to be left alone to brood.

Hal then meets his fellow Green Lantern men who all look like fish for some reason except for the leader of the Lanterns called Sinestro played by Mark Strong (I had no idea this was the same actor who played Lord Blackwell in Sherlock Holmes). Sinestro is also a tulip with strange eyebrows and pointy ears who’s very upset about Abin Tulip dying. He doesn’t care for Hal. I think it’s because Hal doesn’t look like a tulip and has better abs then him. Perhaps Sinestro and Abin had a thing together? But for the good of the universe, Sinestro, who gives the most yawn worthy moral boosting speeches in the history of film, must accept Hal in order stop Ajax Marjory from destroying Earth and the universe.

The Green Lantern hurt my eyes. One reason is because by the end of the movie, my head was pounding from the 3-D glasses I wore. I'll never see another movie in 3-D. The Green Lantern was very painful to watch. The effects were average and the acting was pathetic. Out of all the actors, some who have been Oscar nominated, Blake Lively really surprised me. I’ve never seen her in anything before. She was very enjoyable, although she and Ryan have no romantic chemistry whatsoever. Blake is so skinny and wore theses very tight dresses to show off her close to very stick thin model type body. I really do think she’s a rising star in Hollywood and she has the looks and the acting ability to go far.

Everyone else must have been given big paychecks because The Green Lantern will do nothing to further their careers.

And what about Ryan Reynolds? I guess it makes sense he’d sign up to be in The Green Lantern. He gets to be the star and a super hero who flies! I really have to hand it to Ryan who really tries to breathe life into this craptastic movie. He’s limited because of the amazingly bad writing and direction. But he has a knack at delivering his lines very well that's laced with humor. He made me laugh a few times because he’s so witty and charming on screen.

Also, 5 minutes in, 7 minutes in and 45 minutes in (yes, I took notes) Ryan is shirtless. And Ryan can work a tank top like you wouldn’t believe. I may have wiped away the drool from my corner of my mouth as he flexed those massive arms of his. I would love to know how many hours a day he works out to get his physique.

The Green Lantern is one of the worst comic book movies I've ever watched right behind The Watchmen. I’d only recommend it for Ryan Reynolds and only if you're a diehard fan of his. I hope when Deadpool comes out in 2014, it’s not a train wreck like The Green Lantern was.

I feel I should watch Blade 3 again to erase The Green Lantern from my mind.

Final Grade: D-