KB has anger...
Remember a few weeks ago I told you about the guy at the gym who said I wasn’t a real author because I write crap? Well, I had another type of confrontation that wasn’t really heated, but the conversation irked me. It may have been because I was cranky because I was at the gym at 6am and my eyes were barely open, dying inside to go back to bed.
The story goes as follows…
I’m waiting for the exercise instructor to come and start the class. Now if the instructor doesn’t come on time and starts the class late, I tend to becomes even crankier than I already am due to less than 8 hours of sleep and being up at the crack of dawn. This woman I’ve seen at the gym, and have chatted with time to time, sits down and talks to me. She very awake and energetic because she’s been up since 4:30am and revved to go. I, on the other hand, literally rolled out of bed, threw on my workout clothes and drove the 10 minute drive to the gym. Peppy woman tells me how she just got married for a second time and how she loves it and is so very happy, especially after her first marriage didn’t work out. She goes on to say how she and her new husband are trying to come to terms with one another in their living space because before they were married they didn’t live together. She goes on to explain her issues with her hubby keeping the television on in the bedroom while she tries to go to sleep. She says I must know how it feels. I tell her I don’t know how it feels because I’m not married.
Peppy woman: Oh, you’re not married? Why you’re still young (everyone assumes I’m 10 years younger than I am), so that’s okay. How old are you by the way?
Me: 34. I have never been married nor have any desire to.
Peppy Woman: You will. You still just haven’t met the right man, THE ONE yet.
Me: Nope. Don’t want to be married and never will.
Peppy Woman: *Looks on in shock and rolls her eyes* When you want to have kids, you’ll get married.
Me: I’m not meant to have kids. I’m fine with my cats.
Peppy Woman sits there trying to think of the next thing to say. I just admitted I’m fine with having cats for comfort and don’t need a man. I blame my reasoning on lack of sleep. Finally the exercise instructor comes in. Here I think I’m saved from this very uncomfortable conversation because yet again here’s another person who believes that all women in their 30’s want to get married and have children. Before Peppy Woman leaves, she pats me on the knee and says, “Don’t worry, you’ll change your mind once HE walks into your life.”
There are two things that really upset me when people, especially strangers make assumptions when it comes to me. First their comments on what I eat and what I look like really makes me grrr. Don’t get me started on this past weekend as I was food shopping and comparing fat and the amount of calories on the back of boxes when this older gentleman out of the blue tells me that I need to stop doing that because my weight is fine, that it’s silly for me to be so concerned about my calorie intake because of the way I look. He happened to then make snide comments in his playful way, even though he did comes across as a jerk every time he saw me in the aisle as I compared packages to one another. I really had to hold back and tell him to mind his own business. Yes, I have food issues still because as a former woman who was 80 pounds overweight, I have to do this so I don’t balloon back up to my former size. But of course how would he know this without me telling him? I let that drop, and put down the box of 2 for $5 brownies I was dying to make and consume. (Brownies are the devil. I seriously could eat a whole plate in one sitting)
I guess the same rules apply for the Peppy Woman at the gym, but I love how there’s an assumption. Because I’m in my mid-thirties, I must have been married, want to get married at one point, want to have children and will most likely get married because of it. Even after I very strongly told her I don’t want any of the above, she blew it off because she thinks I haven’t met THE ONE.
This really shouldn’t come as a big surprise, because since I’ve been a teenager I would get such questions as- “are you dating?” “do you have a boyfriend?” “why don’t you date?” “How can it be you’ve never been in a long term relationship?”
I’ve never been in a long term relationship (I blame my abundant size through most of my teens and my early 20’s where the damage and my low self-esteem has stuck with me into my thirties), my dating experiences would be perfect for a sitcom, and I have no desire, even when and if I meet THE ONE to marry them and have their offspring.
I’ve been single most of my life, and you know what? I love it. Does a single woman or single man really need to be with someone to be complete and whole? Was my reaction to Peppy Woman at the gym silly?
And even if I did meet THE ONE (I don’t really think I could tell if he is the one because I don’t think I’d hear bells, whistles or hearts would appear over head) how would I know if my life was now so very complete with THE ONE in it?
Single peeps, help me out here. Are you fine with your single status or are you still waiting for THE ONE?
33 comments:
My mom is 72, and now single again after many years of marriage. She is loving her own life! Has her own apartment, and dates the guy across the hall. She says she will NEVER GET MARRIED again. She loves being single, she loves her freedom. I must admit I am jealous when I hear about her escapades. First of all, choosing to be single is a totally sane, wonderful choice for many people. 2nd, it's none of that peppy woman's business, and her comments to you were patronizing.
Also, you are THE ONE in your life. Waiting for someone else to make you happy is a big mistake.
Well, I thought I found THE ONE, had the child and then, eh, not so THE ONE. You could have made some snide comment about more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce so what the hell is the point?
I have been single for 10 years. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to do things with, kine of like a toy I could take out and play with (mind out of the gutter) when I feel like it. However I've found most humans react badly to be using as a person of convenience like that. :-) For now I'm happy with my life the way it is. I'm never one to say never though. When I got married at 25 I was very clear I did NOT want kids, never had never would. Then I hit 29 and ACK!!! NEED. BABY. NOW. So I've learned not to ever say "I will never do X" because I just can't say what will happen in 5 or 10 years, or 5 or 10 months.
However I think it's very presumptuous for people to assume everyone wants the same thing in life they do. If I want a condo instead of a house then everyone does. If I like pepperoni pizza best then everyone does. If I wanted to be married, everyone does. I think it helps people feel better about their choices. Kind of a "whew, I'm not alone so I must be "normal"."
Not the kind of thing you want to think about at 6 AM.
Totally understand!! I'm 30, and came from the country where most girls get married and have their first baby in their early 20s. The amount of pushing and prodding about having my own "little bundle of happiness" I get is mind bogging. I even got married by pure chance, and we are both complete geeks, don't want children yet(or never) and get really pissed off when someone want us to be conventional. BTW, cats are way cooler.
It's astounding what strangers feel entitled to comment on. If you don't care that you're single, why should anyone else? As Tam said above, finding THE ONE is no guarantee of a HEA.
Live your life as you see fit.
I'm with you all the way. I've been single for a long time and am at the age when a lot of my friends are settling down and having kids, and am facing the expectation that my life must be utterly bleak and empty because I'm not. Um, no. I'm not averse to having a relationship, but I like my life, I like my own company and am pretty happy as I am. I firmly believe that I'm the only person who can make myself happy, and looking to other people for that is asking for trouble.
Of course, no matter what your view on relationships, it's unbelievably rude for a stranger to presume to know what you want. Your life, your business.
I turn 47 this year. I am the single parent to a 24 year old. Like yourself I have never been married and have no desire to be. I'm good single. I have come to view the dating/relationship as an intrusion on my time. My life is my own. I do what I want, when I want if I feel like it. Will there never be a man in my life again? Who knows. I do know 'the one' who takes this gal on will truly be one in a million.
Ms. Perky? People who are miserable in their own company never understand how a person can be fine alone. Get her signed up as a one of your readers. She sounds like she needs something to do.
Ha. Atleast you have the choice of being single. I come from India and my parents are very very very traditional - meaning it's going to be an arranged marriage before a extreme old age of 25. I'm going to be 23 now and I have them at my back nagging me to get married before I turn 25 because, god, then there will not be any good guys willing to marry me.
And I don't want to get married in the foreseeable future. I tried telling my parents but well, they don't get it. My indian friends don't get it either. It is Indian culture. And being the lone voice is sometimes tiring.
From where I'm standing, it's your life. Your choice. As Sarah said, Live your life as you see fit.
It was so nice to read that since we are or have been in the same boat. The weight (which I still have to lose), the complete happiness in being single, right down to the cats. I was always the odd one, since I had absolutely no interest in "the one".
So, of course, to many that means I must be denying the fact that I am gay. Nope. I definitely like guys, but just not interested. Funny how no one can seem to understand that a person can just be happy with themselves.
At least I make my loathing of children well known so I don't get questioned on THAT particular subject anymore...
I love it when "the marrieds" try to convince me that my life is incomplete without THE ONE. And you actually hear it spoken in capital letters.
One of my circle of friends wrote about her thoughts on marriage and they're somewhat similar to your own.
I also agree. The guy I was dating when I told him I wasn't interested in being married to anyone (even him). He was looking to get married again and I felt I should give him warning that I'm not "ring girl".
I'm perfectly happy in my own selfish lifestyle. I can shop how I want, eat what I want and go out (or not) when I want. Being in a relationship puts a damper on that...self serving, yup, but that's me.
I also don't want children for the same reason.
I think that woman was silly. We're meant to be the 21st century and if a woman doesn't want to get married or have children then that's her decision to make and to be fair most women make a decision early in life on how they see their life being and generally stick with it.
Shame on her and that guy for being nosy!
It's admirable that you won't lie about it just to avoid awkward situations but I bet you want to slap them :D
Good for you KT! I have been married for 10yrs, and I love my husband dearly. That said, neither of us wanted kids when we got married. He still isn't souped up about it, but I am leaning in the direction. Bottom line i think we are at the place where if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. Of course the fam is always asking despite everyone having been told NO KIDS (yes that was in capital letters for my NY Italian MIL). LOL!
But to the point of all this...deep down that perky woman is probably envious of your ability to be content with your life as it is. Some people don't get how that can be true when you are single. Be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished, and ignore miss perky...some people don't know when to mind their own business.
I met my ex-H when I was 28 (he was 32) and we plunged very quickly into a relationship. Too quickly. I do honestly think that in large part, it was because of the societal pressure to couple-up. I felt like my time was running out...especially if I was going to have children, and I wanted them. We divorced when I was 32. (No kids.)
Now fast forward 8 years. I'll be 40 in a couple months. I've lived alone for 8 years, just me and my dog. I don't miss being married, don't miss being part of a couple, don't miss the crap that goes with sharing a house with someone else. My number-one reason for loving the single life: I don't have to accommodate anyone else on a regular basis. Call me selfish, I don't care, but I LOVE that! And I'll confess that I also don't miss sex. (Yes, you heard it here folks: I can totally do without sex.) (I'm a single person who doesn't choose to date.) And I have completely come to terms with the fact that I don't have kids (other than my dog).
I DO realize that I'm unusual in all of this. The world tends to march two-by-two. So I can understand that people can't comprehend my contentment with singlehood. I used to feel deficient when I thought about it too much, but I'm past that now. I'm happy with my situation. (And when I see the way my mother struggles with my dad...or the way my SIL struggles with my brother...it makes me all the more relieved and thrilled to be single. I don't have to deal with ANY of that crap. Woot!)
(My two best female friends -- aged 45 and 38 -- are not married either. One of them, like me, WAS married and is no longer, and she doesn't seem to have any desire to ever marry. The other would like to meet The One, but she doesn't make herself miserable over the fact that she hasn't yet.)
I have met the One, and have been married for 13 years, but I never assume that my lifestyle fits everyone. I can't imagine life without kids, but know a lot of people who can't imagine life with kids.
So this is to say all of us married people don't judge the unmarried, I think some people just believe that the way they do things is the only right way. I know several single women who are very happy with their life. And I am glad for them - I say live your life the way that makes you happy - you aren't hurting anyone by being single and loving cats :) And no you didn't overreact - she sounds like a very nosy lady.
Lordy, why do people think being single is some sort of curse? I'm 28 and enjoy being an independant woman. Do I want to get married. Maybe. ONLY if I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'd much rather stay single and happy than date/marry someone just so I'm not "alone".
As it happens, a majority of my friends are married and sometimes when I AM feeling down about being single (sometimes it happens!) my married friends often say something about how sometimes they wish they were still single.
The longer I'm single the less inclined I am to put up with someone else's shit. If I find someone that I AM willing to put up with their shit. And face it, we ALL have baggage, great. But I don't feel the pressure/need to seek out "The One".
Thankfully I have family and friends that do NOT incessently nag about it. Although, of course, my mom is always interested in my love life! :P
Good for you for not punching MRS. Perky in the face. That early, at the gym no less, bravo!
Well, i can't comment on the woman at the gym except to say that she may have had no idea that she was offending you - may have just thought she was making small talk. However, let me offer a perspective on the older gentleman. Maybe he was snide. Maybe he was a jerk. Maybe it seemed that way - i don't know. Maybe he was out for the one trip a day he took. The one time during the day when he spoke to another living person. Maybe he spoke to you especially because your red hair reminded him of his daughter who lived so far away and thought all about the times that she too checked labels and calories and said the same thing to you that he would say to her - "you look beautiful just as you are". Maybe then he went home to a quiet house and check on his wife, silent in her grip of alzheimers disease. Ask if she was comfortable. Ask if she needed anything. Tell her that he saw a young lady at the store who looked just like their girl. Kiss her, then head back downstairs and wait for tomorrow. When he could make another trip to the grocery store.
@Gwen: you broke my heart with your POV.
I was sitting here and getting all p*ssed off abt the "Perky Woman" and then wham your comment. Drained away all my anger at society's trappings and conditions under which a woman has to live her entire life.
I come from India where elderly people are deeply respected and advice on any & all matters is practically expected regardless of whether they are strangers or relations. So I don't get upset when that happens. But when someone of my own age gives me unwarranted and unsolicited advice, it is instant rant-time.
I'm single and kind of indifferent about it. It might change, it might not; que sera sera. I can understand why people ask about my relationship status, even though it's really none of their business, because honestly that's all some people can think about. They NEED to be in a relationship, for whatever reason, and so they assume that other people feel that way, too.
I keep my feelings about having kids pretty close to my chest, however. It seems like if you're a woman and don't want kids there must be something wrong with you.
Like you I'm 34 and single and for now I'm perfectly fine with it. I'm not saying I'll never get married or have kids, but I'm happy at the moment the way things are.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. Once I had a handle on the heartbreak, I did feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and felt free of all the BS I had to deal with before.
That woman sounds like a nosy jerk, as does the guy in the grocery store! Your reactions aren't silly at all and if that's how you feel comfortable with your life, then that's 100% fine. Lord where do people get off being so rude?
And I missed the one about the guy saying you write crap. Now I need to wade back through your posts.
I think this woman was rude and condescending. It's rude to tell someone how their life is Going To Be! Are you God?
I am married, but I do remember being single and being asked WHY I didn't have a boyfriend and feeling awkward.. like.. how do I say "None of your damn business!!!" politely? Sadly, I was raised with good manners. I think if you're happy, then why should someone care?
It's funny how strangers think they can comment on someone's weight or personal life.
I'm a relatively new follower but I figured I'd add a comment too.
There are times when I wish I wasn't single, but over all I don't feel like my life is incomplete or that I'm permanently on hold until I find THE ONE. I don't feel I'm missing puzzle pieces or anything like that either. I don't have cats but I have my mouse, my books, my friends, and me. That's usually more than enough.
Anyway, it's annoying when people are nosy or idiotically assume that whatever they have or value is what you should have or value. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that kind of BS.
I've spent about 2/3 of my adult life in a relationship and the rest single, of course. I enjoy both. Both have their good and bad points.
Actually, I never understood those who couldn't live without having a partner. I always thought it pathetic when you just can't be alone and with yourself and be happy.
I never wanted to marry or have kids either. It was a non issue for me. And most of the guys I ended up with weren't marriage material anyway. Just a fun ride for a while.
But when I was 41, I met a man that didn't really ring the bells or rock my world, but whom I could "live single with" and be myself. After a couple of years we married, but more for practical reasons than for feeling like we needed to get with the traditional program.
I never felt apologetic about not wanting kids or marriage or the picket fence and so on.
I think people like that woman are saying these things to validate their lives (misery loves company..LOL) and or because they just feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say when someone isn't following the traditional life. So they say the typical platitudes you say to strangers, not really thinking.
All I would say to you is to be happy with who you are in the moment and don't bother about idiots. :D
Well, KB, you ask a valid question. People make assumptions about all sorts of things - all the time. For better or worse. And then they compound the problem by blurting out those assumptions. Be comfortable in your own skin and it doesn't matter a fig what anyone thinks.
I grew up, in fact my sisters and I grew up, assuming we SHOULD get married young. My grandmother was married at 16, my mother at 18. All three of us were married at 20. I was divorced at 24, one of my sisters is divorced and my other sister struggles to keep her marriage going.
I would not have remarried if it wasn't for the man I'm married to - for me he is the one, he's always been the one (read Come Back To Me). I'm unusual, I did want this one man - but after the nightmare of my first marriage, I wouldn't have settled for anything less. It ain't worth it and I'm happy in myself.
Don't sweat it. You're fine the way you are.
I don't know. Sometimes I am fine with the fact that I have been by myself for the best part of ten years and that I was in a very unhappy place for a good few years before that within my former relationship. Other weeks it almost breaks my heart that no one can see that underneath this overweight exterior is someone that is worth getting to know, and that there is noone who will be happy to see me at the end of every day.
Often times my attitude is entirely dependent on how long ago it was that I spoke to my ex, and how horrible that conversation was.
I relate to this so much! I'm 25 and have never been in a long-term relationship because I was always very focused on my school work. I had my friends (and books) and that's all I needed to be happy. Well, recently, I keep getting set up on blind dates (one without my knowledge until I was even on it) because my family and a few friends think that I NEED a man & kids to be happy. My mom, especially, wants me to get married & have kids. In fact, if I don't marry, then I need to at least adopt a kid. Otherwise, I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. Honestly, I'm HAPPY being single & always have been (except when they start making me think there's something wrong with that). At this point, I don't want kids at all (and doubt I ever will). I think there's been 2 guys that I might have formed a relationship with if there weren't timing issues involved. Thus, I'm not saying I'll never be in a relationship/get married; I mean, I might meet a guy who changes my mind. However, I'm happy single & don't need that to be happy. I figure, whatever happens, happens. It's annoying when people think they know what's best for you. They just can't grasp that not everyone wants to be in a relationship. I also get very annoyed when they question my sexuality. If I was a lesbian, I'd admit it because I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You are who you are. Ok, well that's my rant, lol. ;-)
I'm single and never been married and never will get married. I've lived by myself for so long I couldn't imagine living with anyone. I guess I'm pretty set in my ways. I get so tired of people making comments because I not married and I don't date a lot. A couple of years ago a lady I worked with that ways seeing a married man had the nerve to tell me she felt bad for me because I was alone. The whole time I was thinking that she really didn't have anyone either that she was just borrowing her guy. (They've since split up after she got pregnant.)
I'm 34, still single & actually like it! *gasp* If the right guy came along, I wouldn't be unhappy, but in all honesty, I've been single for so long I don't know how I'd do in an actual relationship.
Trust me when I say I've had the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION about a million times.
Try being almost 40(in Oct) and still being single with no kids. Not saying I wouldn't love to be in a relationship, but I'm happy in my life as a single woman. Not sure how easy it would be for me to suddenly have someone in my home each day. I've lived alone for over 11 years.
If my mom or close friends read your latest blog, they would think *I* wrote it!
I knew early on that I didn't want to get married or have kids (especially), but everyone kept assuring me that I would change my mind when I got older!
Now that it's obvious I'm "older" (turning 50 soon), people are just puzzled and shocked that I've never been married or have kids. I have to admit I get a bit of perverse pleasure out of how much it seems to bother THEM since it sure doesn't bother me! :)
We just celebrated our 11th anniversary, and I told my husband, that if anything ever happened to him, I would probably find someone else, I just don't want to file a joint tax return ever again.
I don't think people who are that perky at 6 am are quite right in the head to begin with. I, personally, can't function without a cup of coffee in my hand first thing in the morning, much less exercise. Anyway, I can see Ms. Perky in a few years down at the courthouse finalizing her second divorce. I don't wish her ill, and hope it all works out for her, but she seemed to be a little focused on "the one." Perhaps her expectation of finding "the one" is a little high? Also, my SIL didn't live with her first husband. He turned out to be psycho and fooled us all. It was a very messy divorce, complete with restraining orders, and took a long time for her to come out of it. Took her a few years to get back on the right track, but she seems really happy now and she is going to tie the knot again with a guy that she does live with and has had an exceptionally long engagement to. Go SIL!
Oh, do I recognize this! I have actually asked people commenting on me being single how they would feel if I commented on their marriage out of hand. Like, how would they feel if I asked them if they wouldn't be better off getting a divorce?
It's rude and it's nosy and it's, quite frankly, not acceptable, well-meant or not. Plus I really dislike the notion that a woman without a man is something less than whole.
I'm 22 now. This summer will be my second year of truly being single.
I always had a guy who I had a "thing" with. When I was 11 or 12, I met him at camp and we thought the other was cute and used to hold hands. Every summer was reserved for those moments together, and the winters were the unbearable separation.
In high school, I was determined to get a boyfriend. I was convinced I would never be truly happy until I found someone to spend every waking moment with (why would I think differently when all my friends did that? Stupid me).
He and I didn't date until I went off to college, and that one year we were together was miserable and filled with so many wasted tears. It makes me cringe thinking about it. I also cringe when I think about all those years of feeling so miserable being alone back in high school.
The second I left him, I was free and happy. I wrote a book. I finally did things for ME, and everyone else be damned if they didn't like it.
I'm happy to be single. That's not to say I want to be single forever, but it's nice finally doing things for myself. I don't have to deal with drama. It wouldn't be such a bad life being alone... it's all relative anyway. Just because you don't have a S/O doesn't mean you're truly alone; it's just an opportunity to strengthen the friendships you have and to form new ones.
You know, I used to get that comment all the time before I met my husband. You know what I used to say?
"Well, maybe. I prefer to not dwell on waiting for "The One" and just live life. If he's out there, it will happen."
or I would say, if the person was being obnoxious: "He would have to be approved by my condo board first." (I lived on a farm with horses and my Dad at the time).
I am sure she meant well, but jeez lady, get a clue, eh?
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