The reason I'm being so honest is that I hope by talking about my own situation, it may help others who are still suffering from the aftermath of bullying or are still being bullied.
The picture above is of a smiling, very attractive fifteen year old girl who was a freshman at South Hadley High School in western Massachusetts. Phoebe Prince and her family moved from a small town in Ireland to the United States this past fall. Phoebe would be dead by January.
Phoebe took her own life by committing suicide, hanging herself from a stairwell in January all because of her peers who taunted her, including physical threats known better as bullying that became too much for Phoebe to handle. The March 29th New York Times article mentions how students abused Phoebe in the school library, lunchroom and hallways, when she walked home and even used the internet to harass her through various social networking sites.
It got so bad for Phoebe that she couldn't live with herself and decided to end her life. You have to wonder how bad does it have to get for a young girl like Phoebe, who has a bright and shining future ahead of her, would take that final step, that point of no return, and kill herself?
Actually, taking that final step doesn't come as much as a surprise as it should. As shocking as it may sound, I was once there. At age twelve I almost took my own life because I was a victim of bullying.
I went to a Catholic School from Kindergarten to Eighth grade. My bullying started when I was nine, in forth grade. For some reason an older boy in the eighth grade decided he didn't like me, cornered me in the bathroom, pushed me into a corner and told me in graphic detail how he would beat me up and no one would care. From that moment on when he would pass me in the halls or out on the playground, he would terrorize me and punch me in the arm or in other places just because it gave him joy in doing so. I did tell my parents and they met with the boy's parents, telling them that their son was bullying me. Luckily his parents put a stop to it and after an apology from him, I was left alone.
But it didn't stop there. I became the victim again and again from many of my classmates. For some reason I was the subject of ridicule. From the ages of nine to thirteen I was put down and made fun almost every day. I was always picked last for gym, never had play dates at others' houses. When the girls in my class had a birthday party, I was the only one in the entire class who wasn't invited. No one played with me during recess time. Both boys and girls would call me names and taunt me to the point where I would be in tears. By the time I was in eighth grade, my well known nickname was "Chunky Chicken" because I was tall, fat and acted very awkward.
I had only one friend, and she wasn't the best influence in anyway. She had a very destructive personality and because I was weak, she knew she could walk all over me. And I let her. It took me another ten years to escape from this power she had over me. Because I wanted to impress her and make sure she didn't leave me, I did things I wasn't comfortable with. We got into so much trouble together. And while I felt she was my whole world, she would say such things, such as I was fat, ugly, stupid and the most damaging of all- "No one cares if you are alive. You're probably better off dead."
By the time I was twelve, I became closed off from everyone around me. Because of that one situation where I was cornered in the bathroom and put down and "bullied" almost everyday, I couldn't look anyone in the face. I would keep my head down and not meet anyone in the eye, because if they saw me looking at them that would give them cause to tease me and push me around. It got so bad that not only did I almost walk into traffic hoping a car would hit me, but I sat in my bathroom with a kitchen knife and almost slit my wrists.
As you can see, I didn't go as far to take my life, as poor Phoebe did. The honest to god reason I didn't was because I thought if I killed myself I would burn in hell.
Thoughts of suicide stayed with me daily, until I left my grammar school and entered high school. High school was much better than the years of emotional abuse I suffered in grammar school. I went to an all girls' private Catholic high school with a student body numbering under one-hundred where being different wasn't frowned upon. But I still wasn't accepted into a certain group and always stood off to the side, keeping silent, never comfortable in large crowds because when I was surrounded by a large group of people, I was the one picked on. This usually happened because I had a bad habit of speaking before thinking.
Because of bullying, I became emotionally stunted. I never went out on the weekend, didn’t go on dates, take trips with friends, didn't attend either my junior or senior proms and gained a great amount of weight.
Now more than twenty years later I look back at the little girl I was once was, who was cornered in the bathroom, who was never asked to parties or play dates after school and wondered what would have happened if I took that one final step like Phoebe Prince did.
I'm not alone or a special situation. I can promise you many have been bullying in some way whether it was at school, from somebody in their neighborhood or perhaps even now as an adult in the workplace. But I'm so very heartbroken every time I hear that a child takes their own life because other children can be so mean. It happens and probably will continue to do so. But what can we do to stop it before more young people take their own lives, or take it out on others?
Those years of bullying still have stayed with me as a woman who is in her early thirties. I'm still very emotionally closed off. To this day I'm not comfortable in crowds. I have a hard time joining in conversation unless I'm asked first to participate. Up until a few years ago I couldn't look people in the eye, the majority of the time my head would be down and I would stare at my feet. Because of the taunts from those boys in my class who called me fat and ugly, I was never comfortable around boys and men. I didn't date, never had a long term relationship. I will probably not get married and have children. Because of the bullying, I have trust issues, I put up walls. I've learned I can only rely on myself and nobody else and because of that I will be alone.
But… there's always a but. There is always a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel. I can say that because of what I went through at a young age, it has molded me into the person I've become. I'm comfortable in all my eccentric awkward glory. I don't need to be accepted and part of select group of people. I certainly don't care what others think. If you think I'm fat, stupid or annoying, oh well, that’s your issue. I'm very proud of who I have become and I'm perfectly fine sitting alone and not joining in. And those who have put me down, who said I was better off dead then alive can kiss my ass because I'm not better off dead and have given something special to this big world.
If I had taken my life at twelve, I think how much of a tragedy it would have been. Not because of a life taken, but because of those I wouldn't have influenced or effected in some positive way. I hope those who have those suicidal thoughts, take the time to really think about those who do love you and those people you may meet in the future who you may influence and bring such meaning into their lives.
For more information on bullying, how to stop it, and become more knowledgable:
How To Stop Bullying
Jared's Story
Stop Bullying Now
Young Adult Authors Against Bullying
35 comments:
Very powerful words, chica.
*hugs*
And I went through much of the same thing, including the suicidal thoughts at various points. Getting out of high school was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was bullied badly enough in elementary that my parents actually switched me to a different school. It helped a bit, but as you know, some scars really just never heal.
thanks for telling your story, Kate.
one thing adults can do? When your child says somebody is picking on them? Listen. A lot of parents are quick to brush it off.
Another thing adults can do? Make sure you talk to your kids about bullying-make sure they understand it's NOT acceptable.
Parents and adults need to understand that it's NOT always normal, adolescent behavior, that it's not something kids should just have to learned to deal with.
Kids need to know that's it's okay to tell adults, that it's okay to trust adults...and when they do that, adults need to take action.
If kids see other kids being bullied, they need to know it's not acceptable-THEY shouldn't intervene, because that can be dangerous in and of itself, but they can get adults to take action.
Maybe if any or all of those things had happened here, or had happened more often, that beautiful girl would be alive.
And those kids who involved? Chances are many of them never realized it would go this far, but now they have to live the rest of their lives knowing they did something to pushed a child to ending her life.
They are all scarred from and every adult who knew about it and didn't take action? I feel they should carry some of the responsibility. It's an awful, terrible tragedy.
Kate, you definitely have gifts to give the world... I'm glad you never listened to whatever/whoever told you otherwise.
Very moving. I'm terribly sorry that you--or anyone--would have to experience such that.
I consider myself lucky. There was a bit of bullying in elementary/middle school, but I learned that if I left some of my classmates alone, that they, in turn, would leave me alone.
In high school it was a little more difficult. It was a preppy public school, and I dressed in pretty dark colors. That actually buffered me from some snide remarks because some of the kids were so ignorant, they thought I'd try and "curse" them if they messed with me. There were, despite that, some moments with strangers that made me miserable (first day of school, gum in the hair), but overall, I learned it was my "friends" who made me the most miserable at the time. They were backstabbers and never wanted anyone else to be happy.
There were too many depressing moments. I think a lot of teens suffer with the suicidal thoughts at some point... I just wish that these kids would overcome those moments so that they could experience what life really has to offer.
I nearly cried while reading this post, Katiebabs, because it's very similar to mine.
I was too lazy to brush my hair as a child, so my mum said, "Fine," and gave me a buzz cut. With short hair, thick eyebrows and no visit from the Puberty Fairy I quickly became known as Eliza-Boy, because I looked like a boy. On special occasions, I was Eliza-Barf.
I reacted differently than you, though. I decided to get mean. I stopped making an effort to make friends and started fighting back - if someone insulted me, I'd insult them back and wouldn't care how cruel or mean I was. I remember being terrorized by this one girl in grade six who was known for being incredibly short, so I found a picture of her in grade two and boasted in class about how she hadn't grown at all since then and made her cry. It makes me ashamed now, but at the time I just wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me.
I also became a tattler - I figured if I told on anyone who bothered me I'd be untouchable. Of course, the teachers at my school had a "if I didn't see it happen it didn't really happen and I can't do anything about it" attitude so this didn't always work.
I read at recess. I got good grades so I got picked for group projects but then I'd end up doing most of the work. I'll even admit to picking on the one girl who was lower on the totem pole than me (for the sole reason of being Incredibly Annoying With Bad Grades, whereas I edged slightly ahead because I was Incredibly Annoying with Good Grades), an attitude for which I'm still ashamed.
By the time I got to high school and people were nicer it was too late - I'd spent so much time by myself it was very difficult to sacrifice any of that time to spend with anyone else and the other students, while nicer, already had their little cliques and it's very hard to join in.
It's getting easier - being at RWA was an experience where all the social barriers were lowered, LOL. Joining clubs at University really helped, too. Someone needs to tell these bullied kids that it will suck now, but at University or College life will be awesome.
This is why I think 13 Reasons Why should be required reading material in today's school. Bringing awareness to bullying and the outcome it can have is extremely important.
Thanks for telling your story, which was very moving. I hope others will read and learn and consider their behaviour.
Katie, I love that you own that eccentricity now.
I feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of either of my children suffering from bullying. It's so important that people acknowledge and challenge it.
Thank you SOOOO much for sharing your story. I teach middle school and am horrified by how cruel kids are to one another. I do NOT tolerate any put-downs or mean-ness in my class but still hear about it from the kids or see it in the halls, despite efforts to halt it. Awareness is key, communication is necessary and we adults who are around kids just need to listen and step in.
Unfortunately, I join you and millions of kids who were bullied. My bully was a person I considered to be my friend--and her older sister. We became friends through circumstance, thrown together when we were eight and, because there was no other choice (we were in a band together), were friends until I went away to college. But by then, I'd lost my confidence to speak my mind and to feel comfortable with my body and myself.
I'm still working on it, as a matter of fact, twenty years later.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. We love you! :)
I can very much realate because I too was a victim of bullying. I have to say that, fortunetly or not, I don't remember much about it. I supressed it, unkowingly, but there are things that remain, and I, as well as you, can say that all that molded my current personality.
It's a shame what happened to Phoebe, and to others, and all I can say is that what got me through was my family, and a few friends I had.
I try not to think about it much, it brings me nothing good after all, but suicide is never a solution, because it only brings pain to others around us.
(((HUGS)))
I can completely sympathize with you, KB. And as for bullying, I really thing school officials aren't put on the spot about it enough. They aren't cops, no, but the attitude of the school administration and teachers sure as heck contributes to letting bullies get away with terrorizing other students. I can think of several examples that I personally witnessed in school--including an assistant principal watching two guys beat up one of my friends and then looking him in the face and calling him a faggot (!). On the other hand, the one time someone did push me around, they were immediately called into the principal's office because another student reported it. This was at a different school where the principal and teachers were dedicated to making sure violence didn't happen in the school, and I honestly cannot think of a single fight that went on there.
So that's my two cents worth, anyway.
Fabulous and tragic post. Thank you for sharing your story. I only wish more kids didn't reach the end that Phoebe did.
How brave you are to share those feelings with all of us. You have a right to be proud of the erson you have become.
Cheli
Great post Kaite. Thank you for sharing.
The Phoebe Prince story is tragic, so any bit of light that can be shed on this phenomenon, even if it is painful for peopel like you to relive those moments, is so important.
What I worry about just as much as my kids being bullied is their bullying others. I think parents need to communicate very clearly to their children that this is not acceptable, and not only that they must not do it, but that they not look the other way when other kids do it.
The most propfound disappointment to me in the story of bullying is the adults who shoud know better, but don't, and should be more aware, but aren't. There is no excuse for tolerating bullying, especially not among adults. They need to be held accountable.
(((Hugs))) to you Katie. I had one girl growing up who always made me feel bad about myself. I was lucky enough to find other friends and high school and especially college who let me know what she said was total BS. Also lucky that my dad was always in my corner. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us.
I was bullied, too. Started with a move to another state when I was 10. My parents put me in a school that was very small. My entire grade level was about 20 students, and there was this one girl who was the dominant child in the class. She set the tone for the other kids, and she decided she didn't like me. Therefore, many of them didn't like me, either...or at least, they acted as if they didn't.
I had never been bullied before meeting this girl, had never had any problems making friends and being accepted. Her attitude towards me was not just hurtful, it was downright bewildering, and that was perhaps one of the worst parts of it. I couldn't understand it. What had I done? But because she bullied me, the other kids did, too. And as a red-headed, freckle-faced, slightly chubby girl with braces, my looks were their main target -- and an effective one, since I was so self-conscious about it. "Take off your mask, it's not Halloween." I heard it every day, and as the months and years went on, I began to think of myself as hideously ugly. Everyone seemed to think so.
I felt lonely and targeted and trapped. I went from being a straight A student to making Ds. I became horribly depressed, then suicidal, a mental state that plagued me throughout my adolescence and even into my adulthood. (I've been suicidal 3 times, have been hospitalized once, and have been diagnosed with severe major depression and PTSD.) My confidence was affected, my sense of Self was badly damaged.
Bullying is not funny, it's not cute, and it's not cool. It's devastating. It can devastate -- and even destroy -- a life. And emotional/psychological wounds take so, so long to heal.
(Interestingly, as I got older, I had some insight about my bully. There were some occasions when I was invited to spend the night at her house with some other girls in our class. I remember her taking us to the basement once to show us something secret that belonged to her father: child pornography magazines. I didn't know what they were at the time, didn't understand the pictures, and didn't think much of them then. But as I got older and remembered the magazines, I had to wonder if the girl was a bully because she was a victim herself of abuse. She was taller than the rest of the girls in our grade and more developed, with boobs and hips while we had none. I will never know the truth, I realize, but yeah...I do suspect now that she was molested by her father, and her bullying behavior was an external manifestation of her own internal pain.)
Wonderfully spoken.
Having been bullied and being the odd girl out i know how if feels. It still haunts me today. I just don't know how to converse with people and i'm always second guessing myself. Never believing anything i do is good enough. I'm also very paranoid on how i speak. I used to be made fun of and harassed because i had(and still have) trouble pronouncing sounds. Things didn't help because whenever i mentioned it to my parents my mother always made things 10x's worse. I always wonder now if the reason i'm 24 and never had a boyfriend, been kissed, partying, or really anything if i would be different if it wasn't for the bullying.
People who bully really should be punished for it. I'm quite glad to hear the girls who bullied this poor girl is being held accountable. Nothing these bullies can go through can possibly be equal to the harm they cause. I've always felt that schools should have programs where if a person is getting bullied the bully ought to be suspended. No if ands or buts.
Melissa
People that are cruel and nasty like that are not worth your time of day, I'm so glad that you have risen above their immaturity Katie and are now a lot happier, I'm a strong believer in Karma and these people will get their own back one day.
(((Katie))) Your post is both heartbreaking and amazing - heartbreaking for all that you went through and yet amazing because of the wonderful woman you are, whose sense of spirit shines through this post.
The scars inflicted on children can take a lifetime to heal...the fact that you've...not just comfortable but proud of who you are is a testament to your strength. And sharing this story has made a positive difference IMO. Thank you.
((hugs)) Katie. How terrible for you or anyone to go through this kind of thing. I worry about this kind of thing even though mine isn't quite in school yet. But even at her daycare with other three, four and five year olds, there's bullying. Only thing is I know it's mild compared to what real school might bring one day.
Thank you for sharing your story. Bullying is very real and needs to be addressed. My hope is that there is never another Phoebe Prince.
Bullying is a common problem in our schools - I know. I've raised three kids. Here's what I learned. Parents have to be pro-active and pay attention, because your little third or fourth grader can't handle this all on their lonesome - and it is not just teasing anymore. It's flat out sadism at times.
My son was beaten when he was in the fifth grade by two schoolyard bullies who broke his ankle. One kid held him while the other beat him. The principal tried to suspend all three boys. My son had nothing to do with this other than to stand up for a girl they were harassing. I stood in the office, demanding that she get the police involved and I had the boys charged with assault - despite their parents' protests that their kids would never do this.
One of the boys is now dead - shot to death breaking into a house, the other is in prison for assault.
My middle daughter was teased mercilessly and mindlessly when she was in the third grade. What hurt her most was that her very best friend participated. I spoke with the girl's mother. She said, and I quote, "But if my daughter doesn't go along with them, she'll be the victim of their teasing." Feel my righteous anger here! I told my daughter - you need new friends. NOW. She not only made new friends, she played on a different playground.
My youngest and most sensitive child was victimized, not only by her classmates, but by her teacher in the fourth grade. Why? Because she was chubby and because she was very, very smart and not especially popular. I watched her withdraw more and more each day and finally I witnessed what was happening for myself. The kids and the teacher were teasing her about her weight. The girls would spit on her food at lunch time or throw her tray into the trash and then laugh their little heads off. Once again I went to the same principal who said - "Well, she must like it or she'd tell the yard duty." I said, "If she tells the yard duty, it will get worse. How can you allow this to go on? If you refuse to do anything, she's out of this school today." The principal refused to intervene. I packed up her stuff and pulled her out that afternoon.
I taught my kids from the time they were small that they would not only treat others with respect and kindness, but that they would never participate in the bullying that goes on - no teasing, no name-calling - and they would stand up for the victims of such bullying. I hate bullies. I experienced bullying myself as a kid.
My son is now 6'3", handsome, athletic and a writer.
My middle daughter made some wonderful lifelong friends, moved to a Montana where she fell in love with a rancher and lives an amazing life.
My youngest grew tall by seventh grade. She looks like Angelina Jolie. Signed a modeling contract in high school, just graduated from one of the top private schools in the nation and got a job two months before she even graduated with an environmental company in Washington D.C.
You would look at all three of my kids and thing, oh yeah, sure, these kids had it made growing up. Not in the slightest. They were all different and they did not fit in with the popular people. They are kind and respectful and good - I did my job!
Thanks for sharing your story KB! That was so brave of you, and I'm so grateful for the eccentric redhead you've become! All these comments have really touched me. I hope your story and Pheobe's opens people's eyes.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! And what a powerful story you have to tell! I am so happy that you are able to like yourself for who you are:)
Mynfel: hugs back at you :) Some scars don't heal, but knowing you got through it and can be so proud of the person you are, is throwing it back in those bully s' faces.
Shiloh: Many of those who treated me and others like crap, had a karma come back at them. So what comes around, does go around. Very much in agreement that adults, like parents and teachers need to do their parts in stopping the bullying.
Tori: So sad when a child or teen are suicidal because those years should be the most stress free and happy ones. The ones who make fun and put down others have issues with themselves and think by taking it out on others, they will feel better. So sad.
AmineJune: No tears! Now look at you, kick ass blogger and soon to be published author in the near future :)
Jessica: Must read that book...
Keren: Thanks. I do also.
Tumperkin: Back at you :)
Mary: I am still working on being comfortable with myself and at times it is hard, but you take each day as it comes.
Ana: I have flashbacks sometimes of situations I can barely remember. I think we block out certain traumas as children. I know I have.
Heidenind: School should be a place were you feel safe and accepted. Such a shame in some schools that's not the case.
Sarah and Cheli: Thanks :)
Jessica: My mother was a teacher for 20 years and she would come home with stories where the parents would accuse the teachers or other students of being in the wrong, never their children. Even though it is tough, parents cannot turn a blind eye, even if their child maybe the bully.
Liza: College saved me. I am so, so glad I went away to school and found a close knit group who accepted me for who I was.
Anon: The girl who I mentioned in my post used to cut herself and was anorexic. Because I was fat, as she use to call me, she would constantly make fun of my eating habits and clothes and everything else in between. I think she was jealous of me in some way. Now when I think of her, I feel nothing. She means nothing to me. She didn't win in the end. ((HUGS))
Jedisakora: Some companies have workshops on harassment, so schools should also.
Kaz: I believe in karma also.
Orannia: :)
Kmont: I think there will always be bullying, just need to stop it before it goes too far. Sad to think a child as young as three will bully.
Giles: :)
Julia: Your story about your beautiful and talented children brought tears to me eyes. Good for them and so incredible for you, their proud mother.
Carolyn: Touching everyone with love and hugs is my motto. LOL
Angie: :)
I am still stunned that schools have not been punished for doing nothing to stop bullying. In my workplace if anything remotely like this was going the perpatrator would be out the door so fast it'd make your head spin. Soon, I hope schools are put to the same standard that many big companies are put to in terms of harassment and a hostile environment. If an adult has the right to work in a safe and non-hostile environment why not a student?
Second, I was bullied as a child and adult also. And I was also made to feel terrible about myself for staying home and taking care of sick/dying parents and grandparents by my own siblings and so-called friends. A lot of people say they admire self-sacrifice but in reality they hate it. I haven't done a lot of things most people my age have but I have no regrets about the way I have lived my life.
Your courage and bravery is amazing and wonderful, Katie. Keep it up!
as i scrolled through the comments here at first i was shocked to hear so many similar stories, then i started to notice an even more common thread "i read alone on the playground since i didn't have anyone to hang out with."
HEY ME TOO! we moved a lot when i was little, i was always the new girl, and my best friends were my books. i wonder how many adult bookworms developed their passion for reading due to lack of a social life when they were younger? im sure it's a huge contributing reason to why i am!
Great post KB :) Having a kid who is just starting Kindergarten, bullying is a really terrifying subject. I think both parents and kids really need to take a look at what can be done.
Being your own, eccentric self is the best thing in the entire world. I wish kids (and parents) would realize that :)
Ok this is my favorite post by you ever.
I wish I knew you when you were a kid. I stood up for my friends who were being bullied. I'm quiet, but I can get loud if need be. *hugs*.
And I don't know if you give yourself credit for how you are in crowds now. I saw a vivacious, open person when I met you. You're stronger and better at social situations than you think. K? *pokes*. :)
Michele: It does make you wonder why a work place seems to be a safer environment than a school.
Lusty: I think many, many others have gone through some form of bullying or another. If it wasn't for books, I don't think I would be were I am now and maybe worse off emotionally and mentally.
Mandi: All we can be, is our own person and be happy who we are and tell those who don't like it to go screw themselves.
Janicu: aw you are too kind :) Maybe I am better at social situations than I give myself credit for.
KB, this post really resonated with me. I did pretty good in elementary school, but once I hit middle school, I went through six years of absolute shit from many of the other students in the school. This included many people I had considered friends previously. About six elementary schools fed into my districts secondary school system, and once my "friends" encountered these new students where cliques were more common than plain old friend groupings, they're attitudes began to change a lot.
It was extremely odd for me to experience this, because while I had been picked on in elementary school, there had still been a much lighter atmosphere. But once I hit secondary, the attitude was kill or be killed, and I wasn't particularly good at killing. I also didn't have the allies to back me up when my responses or insults were lame.
The teachers weren't necessarily hostile, but every bullied kid knows that "tattle-tale" and "snitch" can become an even more traumatizing than "fatty" or "four-eyes" or "ginger". Except for my glasses, I didn't have any particularly remarkable features to attack. I was in the top of the class on grades, and so were many of the people who picked on me. I was above average in sports, though not fantastic. I wasn't much of a sports fan, but I had enough interests in common with the people who bullied me that I didn't get any of the usual "nerd" or other insults. I think most of the attacks revolved around sexual orientation, even though my behavior was clearly not outside of the norm, and there were other children who were very clearly in the QLTBAG category.
I was in a pretty bad place up until college, when I went to a school that not many of my schoolmates attended, and the other students were much less inclined to attack anyone. I went through a period of mild cutting, and I still have the occasional thoughts of suicide or other destructive behavior.
I'd say that the importance I place on external image is the main thing that kept me from acting on my more dangerous impulses. A lot of the myths about victims really got to me, and I couldn't bear to have people think of me like that. Of course, image was a double edged sword, because most bullying is based on image and perception.
I think a lot of people who have not been bullied would be shocked at the mythos that has grown up around school bullying. I don't want to upset anyone by drawing this analogy to white or male privilege, but I think that it's an apt one. People who haven't had these experiences don't understand how toxic they can be, and that's where a lot of the "wimp"/"pussy"/"snitches are bitches" ideology springs up among both children and adults.
I remember one occasion where I was almost thrown off of my soccer team in middle school because of particularly nasty bully who provoked me so much that a situation occurred where I told my coach to stuff it because he treated me like the bad guy. /rant
Sorry about the long comment. This post just really got to me.
I still have cringe-inducing memories of Grade 6 where there was a group of about 10-15 kids in the one class and each week (there was some rotation system which I never could predict) someone was on the outs. If you spoke to that person that week, well you were on the outs too and maybe, that person would be accepted back and it would be just you. I was on a regular rotation of being alone and shunned at recess and lunch and never understanding what it was that I'd done. It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't anything I did at all - it was just mean girls and boys being mean. Even now, I still hesitate to accept overtures of friendship - wondering when it's going to be withdrawn and I end up humiliated. And like you KB, I hesitate to join conversations when I'm not invited. That I post at all on blogs is a bit of a miracle in that regard!
What makes me cringe even more though is remembering the weeks when I was "in". Because those weeks, I was ignoring someone who had been my "friend" the week before and who would be again next week - whenever the wheel rotated again.
I have a delightful 7 year old son and I (try to) teach him to be kind to everyone else and not to delight in other's meanness. I tell him that if someone is being picked on, he should stand that person's friend and help him/her go to a teacher and get some help. I tell him not to make bad choices just because it's easy and, thankfully, he goes to a school that reinforces those things daily.
I was so worried when he was born that I would "infect" him with my own neuroses - it is such a delight to me to see him join in without fear, with the full expectation that he is going to be accepted. Makes me think I'm doing something right.
Thx for your thoughtful and thought-inducing post.
Thanks for writing this important post, Kate. Pheobe Prince's story is devastating and tragic. My heart aches for her and her family.
So many of us adults have similar stories of being bullied at one time or another during our childhood. How sad is that really? If that wasn't bad enough, these days, nearly every school has an anti-bullying program that they "teach" the students all year long, every year. Yet bullying still goes on and to such extreme levels. It's disgraceful.
Several years ago, my eldest daughter got in trouble with the principal--she was in 5th grade at the time-- for sticking up for a 4th grader whom she witnessed being bullied by three other 4th graders during recess. Is that insane? Then one year, when my youngest was in 2nd grade, one of her classmates punched her in the stomach and told her to "Go away, no one wants to talk to you." There's no way my daughter said anything to annoy or anger this girl... at the time my daughter was so painfully shy, she barely talked to anyone in school, even the teachers! Anyway, the teacher punished the bully AND my daughter. Both were taken out of the classroom and forced to apologize to each other. I was livid. These are just two examples of how poorly so many figures of authority handle bullying in schools. I'm not saying that all teachers or principals are like this. I'm sure there are many who nip bullying in the bud, but unfortunately, there are many who don't and handle these situations inappropriately and ineffectively.
Once again, thanks for sharing your story, Kate. I'm sure it will make a positive difference in the lives of all who read about it here. It obviously has already to all of the readers who have commented here already.
Atsiko: Thanks for your story. I look back at those who bullied me and can't help but wonder if they were jealous or me or lashed out because they felt they were lacking in some way? It's rather pitiful for them to do so if you think of it.
Kaetrin: I used to hate lunch period. Trying to sit with people who would rather throw their lunch at you then have you sit at their table was tough.
Christine: I really do think schools should have a class on bullying and how to stop it.
Kate, they do have educational programs in schools these days and a zero tolerance policy, but teachers can't catch everything all the time, and mean kids find a way to do it without getting caught. At least kids and adults are more aware these days, but obviously it bullying still goes on ... and probably always will. :(
@Katiebabs - lunch period - that's where I discovered the library!!
I forgot to say earlier but it's people like you who give hope to kids who are going through that sort of stuff now. They can see how you've embraced your "oddness" (I think that was the word you used?) and have become a success, at least, in part because of your beautiful uniqueness (I think I just made up a word) and can aspire to similar if they just hang in. I think adults are a lot more forgiving than kids when it comes to the unique.
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