The original tone of this post was going to be much darker than what I’ve written here. This proves that under emotional distress, you need to stand back, take a breath and walk away from the present situation.
But, I will start with the very first line I came up with in regards to this post:
I am a failure.
Sounds very blunt and harsh, but it’s true. At this moment in time I feel I’m an utter failure, and I really don’t feel that this opinion about myself will change anytime soon. The reason I feel this way is because the situation I’m presently in has given me feelings of desolation and depression. I’ve become very close to staying in bed all day long, hiding under the covers, and not facing the day ahead because of my lack of accomplishments.
The fact of the matter is I’m not where I want to be in life. Everything I thought I would have accomplished at age 33, going on 34, has not happened. If you’d asked me, ten years ago, in 2000, where I would be in 2010, I would have said that I’d be in a stable job, working in either the television or video industry, living on my own in a property I bought, and married or in a long term relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. Also, the thought of having children was a close possibility.
My 23 year old self would be mortified by this turn of events. The pathetic truth is I’m unemployed, living at home, with no husband or children, or in any type of committed relationship. I still rely on my parents even though I’m at an age where I shouldn’t. So many people my age have stable jobs, a house and family of their own. I’m not one of them. As each day goes by and I grow older, the probability of having children is close to nil. Honestly, my legacy will die with me. There will be no offspring where my name or genes will can carry on after I leave this life. I feel I’ve been defeated. I’m alone, scared and so very frightened because as I try to take each day as it comes, everything I want for myself has become impossible. I continue to dream the impossible dream, knowing they will always be impossible. You can reach for the stars, but 9 times out of 10, you will never catch them. These feelings, where I lay in bed, not wanting to get out and start the day, staring at nothing, where tears of horror and disbelief overtake me, have grown much stronger as each day progresses.
Yesterday, I broke down in tears because these feelings of despair have taken over my every waking moment. It has become so hard not to just lie in bed with those covers over my head and not face the day. I’m so tired and un-motivated. But, I rise and do what I can to feel as if I have a sense of worth, that I’m a productive part of society. That I haven’t been forgotten much like that day when I was told my services at my job were no longer needed. The minute I left the building, I was a forgotten memory.
I’m one of the forgotten.
While experiencing this close to destructive emotions yesterday, something interesting occurred. Actually, a chain of events happened, where something, call it divine intervention, knew I was at the breaking point. It started with a phone call from my mother, who took time out of her busy schedule from work, to tell me about a favorite music group of mine who’s putting on a show in my area that I would love to go see. Going into my bathroom and seeing my cat in the sink as she played peek-a-boo with me and making me laugh because she’s so cute. As I held her in my arms she rubbed her nose against mine, and that small action changed my tears to those of joy.
The understanding that my misery is very relative. Why should I sit here and complain when those poor people in Haiti are 100 times worse off then I will ever be? Or at the exact moment where I broke down, I read a blog post from Meljean Brook at the Oddshots website where she posted a link from Roger Ebert, the well known movie reviewer, who because of throat cancer can no longer eat or speak. Later in the evening, meeting up with a friend for dinner, where we talked about our ideas and hopes for success, that are so very close for us both.
A feeling of calmness came over me as I went to go meet my friend. As I walked down the sidewalk, I spied a bright copper penny, shining in the sun. Seeing that coin gave me a sense of worth, and feelings of love. Once, I was told that our loved ones, who have passed on, speak to us in ways we cannot always see. When times are tough, either through prayer or a simple request to the deceased, who is in a better place, ask for a sign, where they can show you that they are by your side, protecting you and guiding you. A simple sign is spotting a coin or change in the least expected of places. I believe that my grandmother, who has been dead for over 10 years, placed that penny at the right moment to show that she’s watching over me and giving me the push to not hide from the world.
And then this morning, I watched Conan O’Brien’s final monologue. This man has given his employer 20 years of faithful service, and in the end his company has screwed him. Disregard the millions of dollars he received in a severance for a moment. If I were in his shoes, I would be angry and feeling so deceived. And yet, as Conan signed off from his final night as the host of The Tonight show, his dream job he was promised and so cruelly taken away from him, he had this to say:
”All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. As proof, let’s make an amazing thing happen right now.”
I’m trying very hard not to be cynical and remain kind and work hard so I can make amazing things happen. Lately, I think, “What’s the point?” I feel I’m being tested in a way, to not lie in bed with the covers over my eyes and hide way from the world. But yet, the proof that I sit here, writing this post up must count for something, because I’m not in bed, hiding under my cover as I write this. I’m sitting here, thinking of my next step, taking each day as it comes and hope that something will turn around for me, that to dream the impossible dream will no longer be an impossibility, but a possible reality.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
When Failure Is the Only Option Left
Posted by KB/KT Grant at 1:44 PM
Labels: becoming a failure, Conan O'Brien, Roger Ebert
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
65 comments:
I confess to feeling much the same, especially today when I'm just in that kind of a mood. *hugs* really brilliant, moving post, sweetie. hope is always there, I suppose, if you just pick up your head & notice it.
I'm sorry you've been so down. There are a lot of people in the same boat as you right now. Losing your job is not symptomatic of your failure at life--it's a by-product of a rotten economy.
Your post touched me because 12 years ago I also reached a point of despair & absolute terror. My 1st book that I'd revised for an editor w/out promise of contract (it was so extensive, it took 7 mos to rewrite) got rejected. About 2 weeks later, my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. It got worse. He left me $50K in debt, my credit was ruined, I was unemployed and I had two kids who were depending on me. If not for my parents, I don't know what would have happened to us. They helped out while I went back to college full-time. I had no idea whether or not it would all work out, but I put one foot in front of the other. The tough times went on for years. I battled depression and bitterness for a long time. But I did make it and in ways I never imagined. Please don't lose hope. Figure out what you can control and what you can't. And most of all, be bold, be daring, and believe in yourself.
Je crois en tois.
Like you, I don't feel like I am where I thought I would be in my life. Today especially, I just wasn't feeling very good about things. However, I do have to say that when I was a kid (around 12) I discovered writing and from that point on it was the only thing I ever wanted to do with my life. Even now, I work a job I'm good at but do not love and if you asked me what i wanted to do, I'd still say that I wanted to write. The thing is, I'm afraid to start. You, however, seem to be working towards a goal and I have to commend you for that. If you're fiction writing is any where even close to what your blog writing is, then good things will come to you. Just don't give up. It's easy to tell just from reading your blog and following your tweets that you've got something special to you. Look for the magic where you can, and eventually it'll find you.
Katiebabs -- That's my life story. It is. (Unemployed, or at least underemployed; lived too long with the parents; adrift and miserable for far longer than I should have been.) So, if my life (in its broadest strokes) is a parallel to yours, how about I tell you how it will be in 20 years? (I'm exactly that much older than you.)
You will be happily married. You will be living on property you own. You will have marketable skills, a professional degree perhaps, and sufficient money that you can work or not work, or work very hard to get published.
Did I get everything I ever wanted? No. Are there things I'm still striving to accomplish? Yes. And those 20 years weren't entirely devoid of sadness and pain. But -- and truly you can see this as hopeful or as completely unrelated to your life -- it's been worth battling through the pain and depression.
When I married my first husband, I was 42. My older sister (who'd married nearly 30 years earlier and had kids, etc.) asked me if I had "given up," meaning had I stopped thinking I would ever marry. (My sister's not my biggest supporter; that's a story for another time.)
I said honestly that no, I'd always thought I would get married. What I had not expected was that I would be so happy. And I was very happy in that marriage, and I'm very happy in my current marriage, and I'm very happy that I'm no longer in daily contact with my sister but I am with my first husband.
I'm not a success story. I'm a survival story. And you are too, because you're surviving right this minute what you have to.
(I hope that helps, but please know I mean no disrespect by seeing a parallel between our situations.)
Sweety, you are not alone and you are not a failure. You are being harsh on yourself. We all dream and expect things. And no, they don't always come true. That does not mean we failed. It just means we need to try things differently. Great part of success is just perceverance. You stick with something long enough and not give up, you can accomplish it. You can get published, you can have people buy your books. You can get that dream job. You just stick to your guns. And don't give up with rejections. It hurts, I know, but you can't find the guy who is going to hire you if you never apply for the job.
And you are not too old to have kids yet (you can still have a healty kid till 40. And there are great treatments nowadays, that have good success with women over a certain age, which you have not gotten to yet.) So go get laid :P
This happens to so many people. You just have to look beyond it and realize what you have...you have TONS of time left and should enjoy it however you want to enjoy it. That's it, nothing matter but how you feel about yourself, if you don't like where you are, change it, go out and find a job, a place to stay. I know its not easy but there is someone somewhere hiring people right now.
You just have to push the negative to the side and stand up for exactly what you want and just do it.
I hit this spot when I was 18 (I know 18, whao is me ;)...I couldn't afford college, living with my parents, i got tired of feeling bad about myself and joined the Army. I love my life now...you just have to grab the will to change by the balls and just do it!
I hear you, Katie. I'm 36, freaked about the kid thing. I closed my piano teaching business last year, mostly because I didn't like dealing with the parents. Even though it was a conscious decision, the profit had been going down and I felt BIGTIME like a failure. EVEN THOUGH I'm thrilled to be where I am and I wouldn't go back for a million dollars. (Feelings rarely have rhyme or reason.) I'm living off nothing, and even though I like this life, I feel like a failure because I can't afford a big house with furnishings and all that jazz, and lots of my friends have all that jazz.
Anyway, I hear you. But it's not what you achieve that determines your success as a human being, but what you do: that you write, not that you're published; that you work, not what you get paid.
And I hope Conan is right!
(Would suggest St. John's Wort. For me, just popping St. John's Wort, even if I have every reason to be depressed, gives me enough of a boost to get things in my life going.)
*hugs*
it's hard to see it when you feel paralyzed by the depression, but I truly believe -- as the other commenters have said -- that this "black moment" only preceeds the epiphany. it seems we have to feel really terrible about our lives before we have enough motivation to make a real change. that you feel so tired of your situation means that you will now have a real desire to change things. use it: this is fuel.
As others have said, you're not alone. I don't think life goes exactly according to plan for anyone. It certainly hasn't for me.
I've had my own up and downs with depression, so I know how miserable it is to feel hopeless and helpless.
If you have more time on your hands than you actually want, use it as an opportunity to write.
Hope you feel better soon.
Katie,
I know where you are coming from, trust me. I'm still single but I don't let that bother me. I just had a birthday and a friend of mine sent me a text message saying she's getting married (all I thought was great, now I'm the only one left single).
I refuse to settle which is what is keeping me solitary and I'm not actively looking. If it happens great if not, great as well.
Moved out of my parents house at age 33. Started my career at the same time as well. Things didn't happen the way I wanted either but gradually, things will start to happen for you if you just keep your head up and move forward. Don't stop and take stock of what you don't have b/c it is so defeating. You are still young! And healthy and you have friends. I'm not going to negate what you're feeling at this moment as we've all been there but we all know that life is still full of surprises and you can still accomplish your goals. It may not happen when YOU want them to happen but if you continue to be yourself and enjoy life, you just never know. I say continue to strive for the best and enjoy life to the fullest and don't worry so much. You're not a failure.
Keishon
Setting aside the fact I had a RAGING case of PMS this week and cried my eyes out Wednesday over a rejection from an editor I'd LOVE to write for...I just gotta go all Pollyanna on your ass woman! :D
But before I do, I'm glad you found your silver lining...if you get a sec, hop over to my blog and read the quote I posted yesterday.
Now then *ahem*...Look back at where you were ten years ago? Look back at where you were ON THE INSIDE where it really counts. Ten years from now, you will, YOU WILL look back at your life in UTTER amazement at how far you've come. It's just the way of things.
Ames
Oh Babs. Sending lots of huge hugs your way. You're not the only one to feel as you have; as others have said already, I too have felt like a big 'ole failure. It's a horrible feeling, and sometimes we have to allow those to just build and pass. Never acknowledging them doesn't do any good. So you're already doing the right thing just by facing the way you've been feeling. :)
If it's any consolation, you were one of the few bloggers that really inspired me to not be afraid to start my own blog, to get out there with everyone else and speak out about something I love doing.
You're crazy and fun and funny and what would we do without you. You'll find your way, I know you will. I have faith in that.
Yes, we all get down and you are one smart cookie to rise above your gloomy shitty day and notice things that would pull you out of your funk.
No one has the life they think they'll have when they're 23. OMG I could list some of my failures that would send you whimpering to mom to hide LOL.
And never forget, you created a dhemon sheep. Hit that sucker up for some good luck. You'll probably have to rub him somewhere disgusting but you can do it!
BTW I too LOVED Conan's inspirational farewell. That was a level of class one wouldn't expect from a comedian shoved out of his job.
Kate, you're not alone. What a lovely, open, heartfelt post. To begin with, as I was reading, I was worried about you. But towards the end I saw your spirit shining through.
Dude, I am 36 and haven't achieved so many of the things I thought I would have done. I am only NOW beginning to see some of my dreams come true - I am on the first rung of a very tall ladder. It's taken me almost half my life to get here.
You will do wonderful things in 2010. Keep your chin up, hold your head high and go get 'em! ;)
Hugs,
Kaz
{{{{KB}}}}
Hang in there, KB. I've been there--I think everyone has at some point--and I know how hard it is to keep faith that everything will work out for the best. But it will. Believe in yourself.
<3
I dont know that very many people live the life that they thought they would live. There are too many curveballs along the way, but there are also a lot of positives that change the way that our lives go.
I had my life planned out - by this time in my life I would have been happily married with at least a couple of kids, comfortably well off. That's not actually where I am at, and there are days when I feel exactly the way you feel. Why doesn't anyone see that I have something to offer them, my time for having another child is passing me by and I am constantly juggling bills and watching every cent, but at the end of the day, some times I just have to force myself to get up, go and spend time with friends and family, and try to focus on what I do have and not what I don't. It's not always easy, but some times it is exactly what I need to do. Hopefully, one day, those other things will come about.
I have struggled with depression most of my life. There are times when I might as well not take the medication because I feel it does no good when I'm sitting there crying over the woman in the commercial who managed to get her floor clean.
As everyone else has said, you're not alone. Most of us have been somewhere near to what you're feeling now though when you're going through it, you feel like you're the only one.
I can only leave you with these two things:
1.) You'll touch a million lives in your lifetime, in ways you'll never realize. The person you are will decide how that touch will affect others.
2.) Friendships and Love.
Hatred. Courage.
Fear.
Honesty and Truth.
Forgiveness.
You make a million choices in life.
Each one carries a ripple.
Make each choice count, KB. It makes a huge difference in your life. I don't know who wrote that, but it's the wallpaper on my laptop. I remember it every day.
:hugs:
You are not a failure; just taking a different path in life. Look for the joys each day brings & remember the joy you give others - no matter how small.
What is it the Quakers say? "Way will open". I believe with your self-honesty and talent at so many things, not the least of which is writing, way will open! And I suppose you must feel failur*ish because you haven't achieved your dreams. But maybe it's time for new ones and new goals -- and know that all of your friends and well-wishers are standing-by ready to encourage and prod and applaud!
I was just saying to a friend a few days ago that I finally thought of my very own twitter list: tweeps who write whose yet-to-be-published books I can't WAIT TO BUY! OK, I have to shorten the name but you're on it!! And I can't wait :)
Hugs!
Janet W
Katiebabs, I will jump over a table to greet you anytime, anywhere. You make me smile every day in so many ways. So, chin up. My motto? Shit happens, you move on. Your life is a work in progress, and no one, including you, knows what the next chapter holds. But you're the heroine as well as the author, and you can write your own destiny as you travel the pages of your story. Trust me, I had no idea this is where I'd be at 43! At 33? I had my first baby. I was just starting out on the journey to where I am today. So don't fret. LIfe hasn't passed you by. Trust me.
Awww, Katie, I'm sorry you've been feeling low. We love you!
First, hugs.
Second, I do not believe you are a failure. Unemployed, unmarried, and living at home are not signs of failure despite what some people will say (and if anybody does view this as failure they need to take their opinion and stick it up their backside). You are in a hole so to speak but you can get out of a hole- stop digging and start climbing as my father always says.
And at 23 I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be in ten years- at that age I was watching my mother battle cancer and major depression at the same time. I got a late start on my own life and took a lot of crap for it. But I kept going and now I have a good job, a place of my own and can pursue my writing freely. I'm not married nor do I have kids but if that is meant to be, it will be. If not, I won't cry the blues over it.
Hang in there, and find your own way and I also believe what Conan said: work really hard and be kind and amazing things will happen.
KB, I love this post. I love that you saw the brilliant shiny-ness of that penny and saw the cuteness of your cat, and thought about others suffering and let all of that touch you as deeply as the personal pain you're in right now.
The way you let the beauty and pain of the world in like that, and being vulnerable with us like that just says so much about you!
Just keep doing what you're doing and I bet things will be great. You have a lot of gifts and strength, even though you might not feel like that now.
Oh, Kate, I hate that you've been so down.
But you're only a failure if you give up. If you decide to spend the next 20, 30, 40 years hiding in your parents house, playing with your cat and yelling CANDY at me just to amuse yourself... (okay, I'm kidding about the last two parts).
The only time any of us really fail is when we quit trying.
Life isn't going your way, but you're still trying.
Life isn't going your way but you find pleasure something as simple as a sweet kitten, a demon sheep or a goofy cartoon dog in a Disney movie.
You still see pleasure in things and those who've given up very often can't.
You're going thru a tough spot but we all have to do that. I know a very wise man who likes to say: "You're either just coming out of a hard time, going thru a hard time, or getting ready to go thru a hard time."
You'll come through just fine.
Conan O'Brien is going to end up someplace where he will kick butt. ;o) I bet you will, too.
Clearly you are not alone. A lot of people feel this way, and furthermore a lot of people feel like this now. A lot of people are finding themselves jobless, and at a point where the career and life they've spent so long on feels like it's ending.
I've been through hell lately too (and am still facing it). The thing is though part of the problem is that you're looking at this as a failure, that you're not where you should be. I have to ask, who said you should be there? When did we all start focusing so strongly on the end result and forget to enjoy the heck out of the steps leading up to it?
Just like it's unreasonable to say "I'm going to sell my book this year" it's unreasonable to say "I'm going to be married by whatever age". You simply can't control that. Well, I mean, you can, but the chances of you settling for the Lulu.com of bachelors is pretty high.
Start with some trouble shooting, they things you'd like to change about your life and how you might be able to go through with that. More than a few people that I've seen have refused to consider another job opportunity than the narrow definition of job that they had before. They're limiting their scope and finding nothing.
Or perhaps they're refusing to consider that this is a perfect excuse to find a new field to work in.
A handful of others (including me) are using this opportunity to go back to school and get new training in a new field.
Instead of saying "I'm going to get a boyfriend" start with "I'm going to go out more". It's the equivalent of "I'm going to finish a book this year". Finding a charity to work with, or a club or hobby can not only improve your mood, it can open up a surprising number of possibilities. And it can help you to feel useless, because even though you aren't working you are contributing.
Start small. Change the things you can change, and try to embrace that you may not be "where you are supposed to be" but for some reason you are supposed to be where you are.
(((Katie)))
You are not a failure. Yes, you can use certain landmarks and think 'I haven't accomplished this', but...the person you are now is not the person you were at 23. You're not the person who so connected with Haven (Blue-Eyed Devil). You are more than that, and that in itself is the biggest accomplishment.
Life throws us curveballs. Someone once said to me that life only dishes out what it knows you can take. I didn't have a very polite (internal) response to that, but...to overcome those people in your life who tried to pull you down takes termendous courage and strength... You fought for that and I know you can keep fighting. And you won't do it alone. And your post makes me think you recognize that you are not alone.
I turned 37 last week. I hid my birthday from almost everyone because I didn't want to celebrate being in a job I don't love but need, being alone, seeing the thought of children slipping away...and knowing that the possibility of me finding the right person for me (and I can't, not won't but can't settle - I have too much baggage) is virtually impossible.
But I think the same thing that gets me up in the morning, keeps me visiting the 'unnamed expert' is because I know I deserve more, and I owe it too myself to fight for that. Because even if I don't make it, I've given myself the best chance I could. And in the end, if that is all anyone can say of me, then that will be enough.
*pulls out box of tissue*
You deserve every happiness, and you have so much to offer. Please don't ever forget that.
Not. It can help you to not feel useless. *sigh*
Katie,
No one I have ever met has ever had a working plan that actually did anything like they thought it would. Yes, that is also a depressing thought but we all get the same thing.
Depression for me means I need to do something about it and I am putting it off. The only thing I can advise is if you want to change things then do it.
If you need to move in order to find a job or get some schooling or whatever sounds interesting to you. Then move!
Honestly, after I got out of the Navy I made a bad decision moving back home which turned out to be isolating and when everything was said and done I got the hell out of Dodge and somewhere I could much more easily find work and school and thank god I did.
Don't wait for anything to come to you it does not work like that. Go find it.
Wow, you and I have some similarities going on here. Trust me when I say, I know some of what you feel and I have some other things going on that are trying to break me, too. You're not alone and you're not a failure. You are still young and you are smart and full of warmth and attitude and I love it. You bring joy to others and that is something that can never be overvalued. We love you and one day when you're rich, I'm going to hit you up for a loan ;)
P.S. E-mail me anytime if you need to vent. I'll tell you my shit story and then we can say screw the bad shit! Muah!
Hell noes you are not alone!
I could give you a big whiny rundown, but I will just sum it up with life sucks, it can be evil bloodsucking, mindwarping demon of hell sucky.
But I have to echo Shiloh Walker, you are only a failure if you quit. As long as you are still trying, working at improving your situation, you are not failing.
Edie
(((HUGS)))
No one knows where you are...but I sit here as a 32 year old woman - whose still with her parents too, only I have 2 kids - and cant support them, nor do I have a man in my life...I own my own business - but alas it's not all its cracked up to be...
Anyway to say I know where you are or how you feel, I cant not exactly - but I can offer my ear - if you EVER and I mean EVER need to chat, I am here...and I would love to just listen...
(((HUG)))
You are not a failure. Sometimes life seems like nothing is going the way you planned it to go. If you keep getting out of bed and taking little steps it will get better eventually. I love reading your blog and hearing about Mho's adventures. Please continue!
KB - There's really nothing I can say that hasn't already been said! So I just want to let you know one more person is thinking of you and wishing the best for you.
Look, sweetheart, you are not a failure and it is situational. My son is 29, brilliant, and he's been out of work for 18 months. It's the shits. Another one of my kids, with her degree from a totally amazing school, can only find seasonal work. I thought I'd be the next great American writer by the time I was 30 and dead, like all great American writers are, by the time I was forty - lifestyle and all that! But instead, I ain't. Very few people on this planet live a life in which things work out the way they want. Thank God for the Rolling Stones! You can't always get what you want...you get what you need. Not much comfort, I know, but, one day at a time and one foot in front of the other, babe. You'll get there in the end.
Such a heart felt post Katie. Thank you for posting it. I think that we all go through moments of despair like this. I've certainly had them and fully expect to have them again unfortunately. Hang in there!
Depression sucks the big hairy ones--and sometimes a person can't help but reach that stinky bottom of the well of despair.
The trick--the miracle--is when you see that shiny penny and, instead of thinking, "what good does a penny do me?" you think, "this is a sign of love"
Don't give up, Kate, and it will get better.
Please find a therapist to talk to and either consult your general practitioner doc or a psychiatrist about the depression. Situational depression is common and can be helped via an anti-depressant. If you have a fear of medicine, just remember that situations change and then you won't have to take the medicine long term.
The medicine won't solve your problems, but working with a therapist on how to change your life and point of view will help immensely.
If you fear that you don't have enough money for either, there are cheap and/or free mental health resources out there. Check out your local NAMI chapter (http://www.nami.org/) for these resources.
I've been there, done that, made my own t-shirt. It really does work.
Good luck.
Katie, your post is really thoughtful, and everyone goes through rough spots. I didn't get pregnant until I was 32 and my little old eggs were still good! Stop worrying, and be happy. It really is as easy as it sounds.
Life is what happens when you're making plans.
Hey Katie! I will second what everyone has had to say here. (Hugs to you honey) We have all be in that boat one day or another.
What I am here to touch on is the penny. It is your grandmother. A thought when you see money - coins - on the ground... Do you know what that is besides a coin on the ground... it is a sign from God... why or how you ask... Because read it... It says IN GOD WE TRUST period. Your faith and trust come when you least except it.
Love you honey! And know we are here and we are human too!
It has happen to the best of us at one time or the other...
Chin up girl and pick yourself up and dusty yourself off and go surprise the world..
E.H>
(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know exactly how you feel...I was there for a long time. Doesn't help that I'm prone to depression and spent a lot of years on medication. I still struggle with it, but have been fortunate enough to be able to pull myself back from the brink without meds for a few years now.
I totally understand, and I know nothing I say will help much. But check out all the comments - you have so many friends behind you. And if you ever need anything, you know you can count on me too. I'm here for you with whatever you need, okay?
You are NOT a failure. Your life is just going in an unexpected direction, and one day, you'll find out why. I truly believe that. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!
Hey, I'm older that you and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've pretty much given up making hard and fast plans---they're doomed to defeat. But I think you recognize that despite the bumps in the road, you're a lucky girl, and you've got plenty of company in uncertainty.XXOO.
There are really no words I can say to explain how I'm feeling about your comments. Thank you for not thinking I am sad or pathetic for posting this, but sometimes it's better to get it out in the open, and by talking about it, maybe I can help those who are feeling the way I do.
Also those who have emailed me personaly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Major hugs to all!
Also Mho and DD send their regards and have been giving my major cuddles all day long.
Oh, Katie! I'm so sorry that you're feeling down. And I can totally relate. I've been thinking about how long it takes me to write a book, and how much the book still sucks after months and months of work, and how it seems impossible to achieve long term success in this business. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
I've also had some really, really dark moments. Many of them have been due to the stresses of motherhood and the ups and downs of marriage. I hope that doesn't make you feel worse. I'm just saying that the road can be difficult even when you have a loving family.
Katie, please know that you are smart, beautiful, educated, and kind. There are good things ahead for you! I truly believe that overcoming obstacles makes us stronger, and that hard work is rewarded.
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Katie - sad and pathetic? Never. What a great post - it's so honest, it's just blistering. I'm not going to spout advice at you cos I'm ill-qualified to do so but you know what I think you should do? Take this honesty into your writing and make something out of it. It's powerful stuff.
Look at all of these lovely comments, Katie-bug! You are a survivor and you know it. I have confidence in you to survive this low point, too, as do countless others. Things may look glum now, but something great is around the corner. Hang in there.
Trust me when I say you're not alone. I still live at home, I'm 33, I'm so single that it's sad (don't want kids tho, so that doesn't bother me) and am nowhere near where I thought I'd be when I was 23.
So, you & I are in the same boat, kiddo. Enjoy the ride or sink? Good question. *sigh*
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. It's ironic, in a way. I read your blog because I know you'll make me smile or, quite often, laugh out loud. You really do, and I thank you for that.
This is a very nice post. *hugs*. Things don't stay the same forever. I believe they will get better for you.
KB I didn't start writing until two years ago--I was an out of work 42 year old church secretary!! And Jill's spot on about the slow, painful journey writing can be for many of us.
Funny about the kids. I had my kids so young and EVERYONE treated me like a failure for not taking my expensive degree and making a nice career for myself. My grandmother basically told me I'd wasted my time. We were given lots of evil looks from the career moms and dads. Lots of "oh what do YOU do?" Someone once told me that their job was more cognitive than mine and...well that hurt.
You are NOT a failure. You live your life on your own terms and if you're not living a 23 year old dream, you adapt, you change, and you press on and live your 33 year old dream, baby.
TPig's right too, sometimes the hardest, scariest thing--changing our lives--is the best thing. I say this the morning my daughter leaves the country for six bloody months. She's headed out into the great unknown. Grab life by the horns and ride that fucker. It's never too late (and at 33, you're a little early).
Hang in there Katiebabs. ((hugs)). You know I heart you madly,
lisabea
Women are hard on ourselves, always trying to measure up to some impossible standard, and each new goal reached is something to label "been there, done that" as we face the list of things still unaccomplished.
I'm blessed. I know it. My life is measurably better than it was a handful of years ago, but there are too many days I still don't feel good enough. Someone mentions, casually, unintentionally, something that shows the assumption that people without a college education are lesser, and I want to justify and apologize for a decision I made over twenty years ago. It doesn't matter that I consider myself intelligent or that I've done a great job of educating myself, I feel like a failure. Don't even get me started on being, crap, almost 42 and having no children.
But, sweetie, we do this to ourselves. We make our own lives no-win situations. That's the tragedy -- not the things we haven't accomplished, but the things that we have accomplished, but toss on the ground like they're rags.
Don't do that to yourself. Don't any of us do that to ourselves.
Today I started a mini vacation ... after 10 1/2 years working for the same lawfirm I was sacked... less than 5 hours ago. I am 47 years old and in a profession that in this day and age is an endangered "species": legal secretary. My game plan is well drawn in my head.
*hugs*
You know, it is alright to feel the blackness, but never think that you are a failure, because to put it simply, you are not.
Katie,
I'm in your same boat. a little bit older, relying on my parents, fired and lost and talking myself into getting out of bed every day. No relationship, no stable home of my own to share with the bank, no job prospects on the horizon.
Honestly, if my parents weren't alive and didn't care about me so much, I'd have bumped myself off ages ago and spared the world the trouble.
Like others have said, it does sound like you're dealing with depression as well. I've been there too, and it doesn't make any of what you're going through any easier.
re: Haiti and tsunamis and Katrina and all the other disasters, big and small that affect the world-- regardless of someone else's journey, it doesn't lessen your right to feel pain.
I don't have any real advice for you, just to relish the small joys wherever you find them. And also to let you know that you're not the only one going through it.
Venus: Your situation sounds exactly like mine, but because we have family and friends to be there for us and willing to help, they help us get through the day.
I think one of the hardest things we can do is ask for help or go to someone, I'm not feeling my best, can I talk to you because I need a shoulder to lean on.
It's definitely to find joy in the small things.
Also, I'm sure it goes against every bit of advice, but I recommend NOT getting out there to look for work every single day. I say that solely for your mental health.
Living with that level of negativity daily isn't helpful. Pick a day, or two or three a week, get dressed up, hit the streets, turn on the charm, whatever. But don't expose yourself to extensive corporate rejection all day every day on top of all the other crap you're feeling.
Take your days off and fill them with things that give you small joys and renewed energies so you have something inside you to GIVE at those interviews when you get 'em.
And if you ever want to chat about the ultimate suck that is life, drop me a line. I know it all too well.
Katie, you're not alone. I'm in the same boat right now, not about the job, but the age and the marriage thing. I'm 37, and at the moment, I'm not even in a committed relationship. Guys around me are either married (those my age) or are younger. I do so want to find someone too, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. However, I've learned to find happiness where I can, because happiness is not a state of being but the moments of joy in our lives.
I've also learned that life doesn't always go the way we want it to. Often, we just have to deal with what comes along. Many times, I've also regretted not doing this or that when I was younger, but regret achieves nothing. Whenever my thoughts fly to this direction, I'd consciously switch it around and reassure myself it's not too late, that at least I'm doing something about it right now.
So I'm trying not to give up, that someday, I'll find him and have my HEA. At the same time, I'm not relying my entire happiness and well-being on this mystical being called a husband, because let's face it, even without a husband, I can live a good and happy life. And that for me is the most important.
Darn, hit the button before I was ready.
So, I wanted to say, I'm glad you're taking proactive measures and seeing the bright side. I don't think you're a failure, so don't be too hard on yourself. Like someone said in the comments above, you're only a failure when you stop trying and just let life sweep you along to who-knows-where. Cry and moan and bitch if you must, but at the end of it, rise from the ashes like the phoenix and start going about living the life you want. Seems to me you're on your way. :)
And, it's ok to live with your parents. I don't think there's anything shameful about it. They're part of your support network and I, for one, am glad they're there for you!
Katie,
I hope you are feeling better already.
KB, here comes my *un pc* comment, FWIW...
It's only been since WWII that families no longer maintain several generations under one roof. I think it was a great loss to our society as a whole when that happened. So don't feel bad about still living with your parents. There's nothing wrong with that and they can be a fount of wisdom.
We lived with my in-laws for three months when our house was being built. A part of me cried when we left because it was such a unique experience.
Hugs to you.
Sherry: I am, thanks.
Nightsmusic: Hugs back. You're correct about the whole change in the way we view families and what is expected of a person, especially at a certain age.
((((katie)))) I'm so glad to hear you're already feeling better.
I think we all go through phases like that - when nothing seems to turn out the way we've hoped and life keeps throwing ugly stuff at us. You're not a failure and you're not alone.
Like you, I'm 33, owned by a cat, but otherwise single and childless, with no long-term relationship lurking on the horizon (unless you'd consider kidnapping Richard Armitage a good plan to achieve the latter) (well ....). I would love to be in a relationship and have children and a house of my own (preferably a nice, old house somewhere in GB) (though the act of moving across the Channel for good would probably scare me witless), but, on the other hand, I'm well aware that these things wouldn't be a guarantee of happiness. Your husband could turn out a jerk, or he might die, or your children could have some horrible illness.
All we can do is try to make the best of what we've been given.
Sandra, I just have to say that I think kidnapping Richard Armitage is an excellent long term relationship plan. Please let me know how it works out as I may investigate other possible kidnap victims (all willing, I swear) for this lucrative venture.
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
http://dataentryjob-s.com
Post a Comment