Falling Down the Black Hole With No Way Out

When I started my blog I really didn’t know what the plan was. I wanted to talk about everything publishing that included books, authors. I enjoy discussing a wide range of topics that others would find interesting. I hoped to build a network, a community where people were more than welcome to discuss subjects and not feel ashamed to speak their mind.

The one thing I wasn’t sure about was how many details I would mention about my personal life. I have talked about some personal intimacies such as my sister’s wedding, the person I think I am and the steps I am trying to become a publisher author. But the past few weeks have been interesting to say the least and this is one of those times where I am going to share with you some unfortunate events that have swung my way.

I am usually an optimistic person but there comes a time when being this way is tested. Who knows if there is a higher being throwing a curve ball at me to see how I will react. Perhaps it is fate, or some unknown plan. Maybe shit just happens and you deal. In my case shit has happened and I am trying to deal.

My situation at work is a shaky one. Back in February of 2008 after the company I worked for laid off my whole department, I found a one-year position at a new company through an agency that staffs various positions there. When February 2009 rolled around I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. My supervisor and VP of my department wanted me on their staff but for reasons they couldn’t do that just yet. In part, there was a company wide hiring freeze. I was given a three-month extension and it was assumed that after those three months I would be an official staff member. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy where I have been making crazy overtime. This was a great sign because it proves that I am needed. This week I would find out about my future. I did find out and because of it I am now in a black hole.

What my VP did not know, nor I, was that after 52 weeks, you either are given a staff position, you find a position in another department or you find a job elsewhere. Because I was extended for three months I was pretty much screwed. I cannot be given a staff position in the current position I am in. Instead I was knocked down to part-time, 20 hours a week. I was told this on Thursday night and didn’t go into work yesterday. I will now work three days a week indefinitely until I find a new position or a whole new job.

I am sad, disappointed and angry because it was not communicated to me or my VP, who didn’t know. He should have investigated what would happen to me after I was extended for three months and that I would be cut in half. And because of some legal bull shit there is nothing I can do.

I feel like I am in a fog, or the black hole as I call it because this is all sudden. I was punished not because I didn’t do a good job or I was lazy. It was because no one cared to go out of their way to make sure I was protected and safe.

These past few weeks have been a bit stressful because of this job situation. Now because I am working less hours and have less money coming in, the most wonderful condo I was in the process of buying, which is in short sell, which means I buy it at a much lower price because the owner can’t make their mortgage payments, will have to be sacrificed. My next step towards becoming an adult will be pushed to the side.

This has all happened a week before my thirty-third birthday. Happy Birthday Kate. Still want a cake?

On top of all of this, I was asked to go to a twentieth high school reunion, a very big affair where I would wear a nice dress and look all girly. The night of the event, where I rushed home all excited to go on a nice date where the man would pick me up, we would dance and have fun and then he would return home, is a wishy washy asshat who an hour before the event bailed out on me. I was stood up.

Ever heard of the phrase, “It comes in three’s”? Indeed it came in three for me. First I get screwed over by yet another pathetic dating situation, second my job situation and third my sacrifice of my condo.

Too bad I am not a heroine in a cutesy contemporary or chick lit novel where I would laugh about everything and end up going through many funny trial and errors where I would finally come on top and have the perfect man by my side to help me through it all. If only it could be that easy.

For the first time in a very long time I wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head and hide from everything. And it was a very scary thing because I almost didn’t want to read, write, blog or Twitter. And when those things don’t interest me, that means I am in a dark place. I do not like this dark place I am in.

But, all hope is not lost. You know I cannot end on a low point. What I am going through does suck but I am still very lucky. I do have the support of my co-workers. I have a loving family and friends who won’t turn their back on me. I am not destitute where I will be on the street eating out of the garbage can or just eating Ramen. Perhaps I will find a much better job? I can always channel these feelings into my writing. And there is still RWA Nationals to look forward to in a few weeks.

I do believe there is a light at the end of every tunnel, where one door slams in your face, another opens. Right now it is a bit hard to stay positive because even though my situation may not be as horrible as many others’ out there, it is still mine and I must work through all these unwanted feelings that are consuming me.

What is the next step? I wish I knew. If only there could be a manual I could follow. There is no manual to help me find my way out of this black hole. The only guide I have is myself and it will take me some time to find a way out.